At Discount Storytime, our vast global team of lost literature explorers uncovered the long lost final draft of Jack and the Beanstalk. We discovered it in a remote mountain cabin, and until today, had gone unread. You, dear reader, are one of the first in the world to view the true final version. Why? Because at Discount Storytime, we believe in quality content, or something.
Jack and his mother lived out in the country. They were very poor and were down to their last cow. Jack was supposed to take the cow to town to trade for money. Instead, he foolishly traded her for a handful of magic beans.
When he got home, his mother was very cross with her foolish son and she threw the beans out the window. Jack was in deep trouble for squandering the family’s last cow and was sent to bed with no supper.
That same evening, in a castle way up in the clouds, a giant and his wife were warming by the fireplace at the end of a busy day.
The giant said, “Thank you for such a wonderful meal today, and for all you do to keep our castle going while I am out raising money for charity.”
His wife said: “Think nothing of it. I can’t believe you could raise so much to help build a new school for the children’s orphanage. But dear, I have one, well, recommendation for you when you meet with potential donors.”
“Yes, wife?” Asked the giant.
“You know how you are always saying ‘I’ll grind your bones to make my bread!’ as a way of asking for a hug?”
“Yes. I learned that from my parents. They gave the best hugs.”
“And you do too. It’s just…”
“Yes, wife?” Asked the giant.
“Well. Some people may take it the wrong way and see it as threatening. With the grinding bones and what such.”
The Giant stared at his wife and then gave a hearty laugh. “Oh, wife. I respect your viewpoint, but everyone knows that I’d no sooner hurt a fly. And besides, I am getting to be an old giant and set in my ways. I’ll try to stop saying ‘I’ll grind your bones to make my bread’ for you. But I can’t make any promises.”
“Thank you, dear.”
They smiled at each other, finished their evening tea, and went to bed.
That next morning on the ground, Jack awoke to an amazing sight. The magic beans grew into a giant beanstalk that stretched all the way up to the clouds!
Of course, Jack, being a curious young man, had to climb it! When he got to the clouds, he found an enormous castle. Inside the castle, he met the giant’s wife, who was nice, and gave him bread and milk. While Jack ate, the giant came home from a charity fundraiser and said, “Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he alive, or be he dead, I’ll … I’ll..grind his bones to make my bread!”
The giant looked for the boy. But Jack, not knowing the giant’s weird-ass lingo, was terrified and hid in the oven. The wife supposed her husband scared the poor boy, and told the giant she had seen no one. The giant ate his food and went to count the bag of charity money he had raised that day for the orphanage’s new schoolhouse.
Exhausted, the giant fell asleep. While the wife was busy cleaning up after their meal, Jack snuck out, stole the bag of money, and climbed down the beanstalk.
Elated, Jack’s mother spent the money on just a few necessities, like gold plating for their house, oh, and an aquarium for dolphins, because dolphin milk has more flavor than cow’s milk, so they also had to buy dolphins and hire milkers. Oh, and they built several tennis courts, and since neither Jack nor his mother knew how to play tennis, they had to hire professional tennis players, and since neither Jack nor his mother enjoyed watching tennis, they hired spectators to watch the tennis matches. And so on.
While Jack and his mother enjoyed their new wealth, the giant and his wife warmed by the fireplace in the castle in the clouds. The giant said, “Thank you for such a wonderful meal today, and for all you do to keep this castle going. Would you like some music?”
“Yes, dear, that sounds lovely.”
“Hey Harpy“ The harped beeped. “Play Siren Song by Victory Day.”
Harpy beeped and said, “Playing Siren Song by Victory Day.” Relaxing harp music filled the room.
The wife said, “I still can’t believe you genetically engineered a hen to lay golden eggs. Amazing!”
The giant, still a little upset about the stolen charity money, said, “Yes. Well. After the money that was to go to help build a new school for the orphanage was stolen, I thought. How about, instead of giving the orphanage one lump sum, I devise a way for them to have perpetual income? And with using my dual PhDs in genetics and metallurgy, this made the most sense. “
The wife looked towards the hen and softly said ‘lay.’ The hen did nothing.
“This hen seems to be hard of hearing. Say it loudly for her to hear. ‘LAY!’ bellowed the giant, and the hen laid a golden egg. The giant gently patted the little hen’s head and smiled. “Now the orphanage is sure to have enough for a new school, and maybe … maybe…we can build a community health clinic, too!”
Despite his own humility, the giant couldn’t help but smile at his own cleverness. His wife, who had seen this in him all along, leaned over, gave him a kiss, and said, “My good man. Let’s go to bed.”
“Oh, love, I’m not all that sleepy yet.”
“I didn’t say go to sleep.”
The giant blushed. “ohhhh!”
The money Jack and his mother spent on necessities started running out. They had to cut back on their dolphin milk and reduce the professional tennis players and spectators to 0.5 FTE.
Again, Jack climbed up the beanstalk. Inside the castle, he met the giant’s wife, who was more reserved this time, but still nice, and gave him bread and milk. While Jack ate, the giant came home from a meeting with potential donors for a community health clinic. He said “Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he alive, or be he dead, I’ll … I’ll..grind his bones to make my bread!” And looked for the boy, but terrified Jack ran and hid in the oven. The wife, deciding to not bother her husband, didn’t tell him about Jack.
The giant ate his food and started a fire in the fireplace. He then took out the hen and yelled, “Lay!” The hen laid a golden egg, and the giant smiled and patted the hen gently. Soon, the room was warm and cozy, and the giant fell asleep in his large chair.
Jack snuck out from the kitchen and took the hen and climbed down the beanstalk. Now, with ongoing money from the hen’s golden eggs, Jack and his mother could have a few little extras in addition to the necessities. For example, they rehired the professional tennis players full-time, and also hired other professional tennis players to be the spectators.
Also, the dolphins were getting bored in their aquarium, and bored dolphins make bland milk. So Jack and his mother built large hamster balls filled with water that the dolphins could swim around in and go out and adventure. Jack’s mother, tired of cooking, hired celebrity toast chef Pierre Lavian to make toast and oversee the kitchen. Oh, and they bought a gold plated rocket-helicopter-car.
One day, Jack and his mother sat down to lunch. Chef Lavian had prepared BBQ Chicken on toast. And it was sooo yummy! After lunch, mother went to the hen for some golden eggs, but the hen was gone! They looked everywhere and everywhere for days. They would have hired a team to find the hen, but there were no more golden eggs. To this day, the mystery of the disappearing hen is a mystery.
Without the golden eggs, they ran out of money within months and could only afford to hire run-of-the-mill tennis spectators and toast chefs.
Jack again climbed the beanstalk, and completely skipped the kitchen this time and went to the living room. The giant wasn’t in the room, and the wife was asleep on the large couch with her hands on her belly bump.
Jack saw a harp with a playlist of beautiful music. When he took the harp, it cried out, “Mistress! Mistress! That little dimwit is back – and trying to steal me!”
The wife immediately awoke and shouted for help, for she had enough of this little charity stealing punk. The giant rushed in. And although usually mild-mannered, he also had enough, and now Jack upset his pregnant wife. That would not do.
The giant had no choice. He didn’t like the idea of having to do it, but it had to be done. The giant would have to give Jack a stern talking to. ”Boy! Come here!” The giant bellowed, well, maybe not bellowed but certainly at the top volume of polite conversation.
Frightened, Jack held onto the harp and ran for it. The giant gave chase. If this kept up, the giant might have to take drastic action, like filing a formal complaint.
Jack scurried down the beanstalk, tossed the magic harp aside, and grabbed an axe. As the giant climbed down after him, Jack cut down the beanstalk. The giant fell, and he probably would have survived the fall, but his throat landed on the magic harp, puncturing his airway and causing the giant to choke to death on his own blood.
Everyone hailed Jack as a hero for killing the giant. In addition, Jack and his mother made a fortune from selling the giant’s organs to science. They spent the rest of their lives in obscene wealth.
Ten months later…
In the castle in the clouds, the wife held her infant child and watched the icy rain outside the window. She waited every day for her husband’s return. He had simply gone to talk to the boy. How long could that take?
‘Any day now he’ll come back,’ she thought as her baby cooed.
She watched the icy rain and thought ‘My husband wouldn’t have left me. Any day now he’ll come back. I can’t do this alone.’