The best hamburger I’ve ever had was also at bar none, the worst restaurant I’ve ever been to. I know that makes little sense, but let me tell you the story. Years ago, when my kids, Turner and Faye, were little, my wife, Tina, and I went on the customary summer vacation road trip. My kids had been studying cat hair in school and wanted to see the world’s largest cat hair clump in East Carolina.
The drive to East Carolina was a long one, and after the first part of the road trip excitement, the kids became antsy and bored. Luckily, Tina, being the smart mother she is, bought the Word Search Audiobook and that kept the kids enthralled for most of the day’s drive.
Six o’clock that evening rolled around, and we had been driving all day and were road tired and hungry. Plus, we only had a few more hours to go, and I thought we could make it, but desperately needed to stretch our legs and get food first. The next exit sign said Robert’s Burgers, so we took the exit to check it out. We like dining at local places when we get a chance. We pulled off the highway and, let me tell you, it felt good to get out of the car and stretch. And you could smell the grill from the parking lot. That’s always a good sign!
The inside looked like your typical family dining burger shack. The evening sun gave the dining area a relaxing, golden glow. There weren’t many customers and our hostess, a polite young high school kid, showed us to our booth, handed out menus, and brought water. The kids and I took a seat, and Tina ran to the restroom.
The menu cover read “Robert’s Burgers, making dinner time orderly and productive.” The contents were a long report, with references to sections, subsections and appendices. It was at least thirty double sided pages of single spaced dense text. Weird, right?
Next, a young man smartly dressed in a business suit wheeled a, well, a wheeled dais up to the table. That’s the best I can describe it. It was a raised platform on locking wheels with a lectern. He stood upon it, held a gavel, and looked down on us, literally. “I’m Jeremy and I’ll be chairing this dinner. Where is the missing member?” The young man was clearly all business.
I asked what he was talking about. Jeremy pointed to our four water glasses and counted out loud the three of us. “Three is less than four, isn’t it?” He asked me with one raised eyebrow. “Is the missing member an adult or child?”
”My wife is in the restroom. But I thought we may start with an order of….”
Jeremy broke in, “In order to have a quorum for this dinner meeting, we require all adults and at least half plus one of all children. Without quorum, we cannot start.”
I smartly replied “um…”
Jeremy adjusted his glasses and said, “My job, as a chair, is to make dinner time orderly and productive.”
After a little while, Tina returned from the restroom, saw the dais, raised her eyebrows, took a seat, and asked if we had ordered yet. “The menu is weird, Mom,” said our daughter, Faye.
”Oh, honey, I’m sure there is something you will like.“ Tina picked up the menu and scrunched her face. “What the hell is this?”
From his dais, Jeremy cleared his throat and announced, “Seeing that we now have quorum, I will call this dinner to order at … 6:27pm.” He banged the dais once with his gavel.
“Daddy, I’m hungry.” Said my son, Turner, and rested his little head against my arm.
”Okay Buddy. We’re ordering di….” I said, before Jeremy banged his gavel once more. “ First order of business is the approval or correction of the menu.” There was silence. Were we supposed to read the 30 pages?
Jeremy sensed, correctly, that we did not know what he was talking about. “The draft of the items of the most recent menu is in your ordering packet. Please let me know now if you have found any errors.” As if explaining rainbows to a small child, he said to Tina and I, “Errors are when something isn’t right.”
“No. They look fine.” Said Tina, sensing correctly that her family was tired and hungry and Jeremy needed to get on with it.
Jeremy sneered, “Just fine? Have you reviewed the entire 37 page single spaced 10-point font of your menu report? Because you just got here. We were waiting for you.” In response, Tina started getting that look. The one I’ve learned all too well over our years together. Panicked, I quickly interjected, “I move for acceptance of the menu report as submitted.”
”Second,” Tina hissed.
Jeremy, content for now that he had maintained order over our motley lot, said, ”All in favor say ‘Aye’” Tina and I said in the affirmative, then Turner and Faye copied us. ”Opposed say ‘no’. The Ayes have it. The motion carries to accept the menu report as presented. “
Faye, hungry and bored, tossed her long hair into her brother’s face. Turner yelled, ‘Stop it’ and tried grabbing Faye’s hair. Tina quickly reached her arms between them, and in a restaurant booth, that’s saying something.
I thought the brief commotion would have thrown Jeremy off, so I made my move and tried to sneak in an appetizer order of gristle poppers. But Jeremy kept talking. “Next will be the report of officers. Our shift manager has provided a copy of her written report thus far this evening.” He handed each of us a small stack of papers, again double sided, single spaced, 10-point font. “As our shift manager is unavailable to attend this meeting, I shall read the report in its entirety.” And he did. The whole thing.
Tina and I gave each other ‘let’s leave this place’ eye glances. Unfortunately, though, I had seen no other places to eat around and it would be several miles until the next stop. We had to wait this out, or sit in the car with hungry, tired, and fighting kids.
Luckily, Jeremy read quickly. When he finished, he caressed his gavel weirdly and asked, “Do any other officers at this dinnertime have reports for review? How about reports from Standing Committees?” There was a long pause, and I said, “My family is hungry. We just want hamburgers, Jeremy.”
Jeremy gave me a stern look, and I added, “Chair Jeremy.” It took all I had to not roll my eyes at that pompous dweeb. Chair Jeremy asked, “I asked if anyone has a report. Do you think ‘I want hamburger’ sounds like a report?” I came back with another witty retort of “um.”
Tina looked at me and rolled her eyes. Why was I the one getting eye rolls?
Jeremy, sorry, “Chair Jeremy” said,“I thought so. How about actual reports from Standing Committees? “ After a long and uncomfortable pause, Chair Jeremy asked “Is there new business?”
I was undeterred “Yes. We would like to order…”
“The Chair Recognizes Mr. Customer.” Jeremy proclaimed, as if he was doing me a favor.
“It’s McCann, Coffee McCann.”
In a tone of feigned benevolence, Jeremy said, “The Chair Recognizes Mr. McCann.” I thought we were getting somewhere and said “I would like us to order dinner now. We are all very hungry.”
Jeremy smiled a smile that wasn’t a smile. “Actually, that’s not how you present a motion. Do you even know how to present a motion?” I clenched my fists under the table, took a deep breath, released, and tried again. “I move for the…meeting members…present…to begin the process of ordering our dinner.”
Jeremy smirked. “Actually, our rules say you can only make a motion for yourself. Rather presumptive of you to speak for all the meeting members. I’ll allow a motion by Mr. McCann for consideration that he begins the process of ordering his own dinner.”
Tina, Faye, and Turner looking to me. I held our dinner fate in my hands. I tried again. “Fine. I move for consideration that I begin the process of ordering dinner.”
“Just to clarify. Your own dinner, not anyone else’s dinner.” Said Jeremy.
“Sure,” I hissed. Tina quickly jumped in and seconded the motion. Jeremy inhaled through his nose for a long time, then said, “It is now moved and seconded that we consider Mr. McCann eligible to begin the process of ordering his own dinner. Are you ready for the question?”
Faye, not sure what was going on, and always curious, asked, “What does that mean?”
Jeremy said, “The chair recognizes the girl kid to speak to her motion. . . .”
Faye caught a withering glare from Tina, then smartly said, “Nothing. Nevermind.”
With another long nasal inhale, Jeremy said, “Those in favor of adopting the motion by Mr. McCann for consideration that he begin the process of ordering his own dinner. , say ‘Aye.’ “ All four of us, catching on, answered in the affirmative. “Those opposed say ‘No.’ The ayes have it, and the motion carries. We consider Mr. McCann may begin the process of ordering his dinner .”
We all sighed. I thought about how long it would take for each of us to order by this method. This would take all night at this rate, so this is what I did. I ordered two Robert’s Burgers, one burger with everything and one burger with only pickles, an order of Curly Fries, an order of Onion Rings, a plain Jr. Burger Kids basket, a Jr. Chicken Fingers Basket, one strawberry milkshake, and three chocolate milkshakes.”
I’m not a perfect dad, but I know my family.
Jeremy’s beady eyes narrowed. “You can’t order for others, just for yourself.” My eyes narrowed as well, and I said “I did order for myself. I’m that hungry.”
Jeremy tried staring me down, but Tina broke in. “I move to adjourn this meeting. “ She then did that mom thing and spoke really quiet and slow. “Listen, twerp, if you don’t bring dinner to my family right now, I’m going to…” Tina stood up and whispered something into Jeremy’s ear. To this day I don’t know what she said. All I know is Jeremy’s sneer turned to a frown, his eyes widened, he flinched, yelped “meeting adjourned,” and ran to the kitchen to place our order.
I know they say that hunger is the best sauce. And maybe I was so hungry and tired that shoe leather on a bun would have been good. But I swear that was the best burger I’d ever had. The patty was thick and perfectly grilled, and plenty of toppings all in homemade buns toasted with butter. The onion rings were the sweetest onions I ever ate, and to counter the sweetness, the breading had just a little heat. I’m not sure if it was cayenne or what, but just enough, and a creamy house ranch dressing for dipping.
Tina, Faye, and Turner also enjoyed their meals, for there wasn’t a crumb left on anyone’s plate.
Finally, with full bellies, we paid our bill and left. And yes, I gave Jeremy a decent tip. He was just some young kid doing his job.
By now, it was much later in the evening. The sun had set, and Tina and I were both too exhausted to drive safely. We decided to check into a motel for the night and get an early start in the morning.
Luckily, there was a motel next to the restaurant, so we didn’t have to drive anywhere. Tina and the kids went to the car to get luggage, and I walked ahead to the motel office. The office had the usual display of pamphlets for local attractions, burnt coffee smell, and a countertop with a bell.
I rang the service bell and a young woman smartly dressed in a black business suit came up from the back office, gave me a courteous smile, and asked, “Is this everyone who will stay? Do we have… quorum?”
“Noooooo!!!!!”