People are entirely too distracted on their wedding day to be allowed to drive. I mean, it’s their wedding day for crying out loud. But I had to learn the hard way many years ago.
I was driving to the chapel to marry Tina, and tried to remember something I was supposed to do before the ceremony. But my head was in the clouds. Unfortunately, with my head way up in the clouds, my foot wasn’t down on the brake, and I hit the car in front of me. It was a small Honda Civic and looked worse for wear, but the new dent in the bumper didn’t help.
I got out to make sure everyone was okay and assess the damage. You won’t believe who, or I should say what, got out of the Honda Civic. Imagine a tall brute, like six-foot-five and wide as a mountain. Now, imagine it sweating profusely, like from every pore, but instead of sweat, clumpy sewage juice dribbled out.
Yup. I just had my first encounter with the Sewage Monster!
”I am so sorry! I didn’t…I was….” I started, but the Sewage Monster walked right up to me and cocked its large head sideways. It stood over me and leaned forward, dripping foul waste off its chin. Luckily, I wasn’t wearing my wedding tuxedo yet.
It said in a squishing, gravelly voice, ”Your automobile impacted my automobile.” Its enormous eyes blinked a lot, probably because of forehead runoff.
”Yes. I’m sorry. It was an accident.” I said, rather lamely. “Today is my wedding day and I am all nervous, and I’m supposed to be doing something, but I can’t remember what, and wasn’t paying attention. I can give you my insurance information, but if it’s okay with you, perhaps we can first see how much…”
”What is a wedding day?” Asked the Sewage Monster, almost as if it didn’t care about car insurance.
”I’m getting married. To my fiancée, Tina. In a few hours.”
The Sewage Monster rubbed its damp chin thoughtfully. ”I do not know of these things, for I have always lived in Sewage Town. But yesterday I decided to explore the surface and learn about surface life and its traditions. I am curious like that.”
”Oh, so that’s why you bought a car?”
”Bought a car?” It asked. I noticed the Honda Civic’s driver’s side door was missing. Well, more like torn off. Sewage Monster continued, “What is a wedding?” I explained to Sewage Monster about weddings and marriage and started describing where babies come from when I heard police sirens. Somebody probably used their fancy car phone to call the police and complain about the traffic jam we were causing.
Sewage monster sighed a feculent sigh. ”I sure wish I could someday see a wedding day. It sounds lovely. I probably won’t, though. Humans have been cruel. You are the only one who has shown kindness to this poor Sewage Monster. Thank you for not chasing me with a pitchfork.” It said, then gave me a sad look and turned to leave.
Well, that just about broke my heart. How can people be so mean? Someone had to show the Sewage Monster the surface world could be kind. And that someone is today! ”Hey Sewage Monster, how would you like to not just see a wedding, but be in a wedding?”
The Sewage monster looked at me and its eyes welled with murky tears and grayish clumps. “Do you mean it? Do you really mean it?”
I couldn’t help but smile.“Of course I do! C’mon my new best friend, time’s wasting.” With that, the Sewage Monster hopped into my car. To be accurate, I put as many towels as I could find on the passenger seat, then Sewage Monster hopped into my car.
Then we took off. To be accurate. I rolled down the windows, and then we took off.
We made it to the chapel just in time for me to get dressed in my white tuxedo, but there wasn’t a moment to spare. The guests had arrived and seated, so we, meaning myself and my new best friend, the Sewage Monster, were cutting it close. I also had to explain the new situation to Stan, my best-man. When Stan saw me he asked, “where have you been? The ceremony is starting.”
Delicately I explained, ”I got held up. Say, you know how bummed I’ve felt to be stuck with you for a best man?”
Stan flinched and said, “I do now.”
”Well, good news! You’re not my best man anymore. Move over.” Stan was so shocked I thought he was going to cry. He is such a crybaby, especially in public. You should have heard him blubber throughout his sister’s funeral.
But Stan, stunned, just moved aside. And I waved the Sewage Monster in to take Stan’s place. There we stood, the Three Muskets Deers, and just in time.
The organist started playing the Wedding March, and I saw my bride, Tina. The most beautiful woman, outside of music videos, I’d ever seen. She had styled her curly hair and taken her father’s arm. Tina was so busy trying not to trip on the front of her dress; she didn’t look up for a few steps. Then she saw me and smiled, sort of. Well, she smiled at me at first. But when she saw the Sewage Monster, her face paled. So much for the blushing bride, because she looked white as a ghost. Tina and her father cautiously shuffled up the aisle. As her father gave her away, he frowned at me and shook his head.
Then the minister started. ”We ah gat had he. Hew wetness these who… ” She was purposefully mouth breathing. I thought that was pretty unprofessional and would factor that into her tip.
Tina and I decided to write our own vows. Tina went first and had some beautiful stuff to say at first, but then it got pretty wordy and repetitive. At one point she was going on and said, “And Coffee, you and me will make a beautiful – “
”I” boomed the Sewage Monster, and Tina jumped. “You and I will, blah, blah, blah. Not me.”
An awkward silence followed. I tried to ease the situation by taking the Sewage Monster’s side. “Sewage Monster is right, I think. I think you meant to say ‘I’ instead of ‘me’. Pretty sure.”
The Sewage Monster said “It’s okay, Tina. You’re trying. Please continue.” Tina’s throat made a weird sound and she glared at me for a minute. Then said she was done and it was my goddam turn.
That’s when I remembered what I was supposed to be doing earlier! I was supposed to come up with some wedding vows, but got distracted by my car accident with my new best friend. Well, isn’t this a pickle? But cleverness prevailed, and I simply said, “samsies.” Whew! That was close.
The ceremony went on as rehearsed, mostly. When it came time for the rings, I turned to Sewage Monster. It just stared at me and shifted its weight from side to side on the growing sludge puddle. I whispered, “the ring. I need the ring, guys.” Stan took the ring out of his pocket and tried handing it to me, but I pushed it back. “No. Handing me the ring is the job of the Best Man, not some lowlife groomsman. Give it to the Sewage Monster first.” Stan flashed an angry look, but carefully handed the ring to the Sewage Monster, who took it, gave it a long look, and popped it into its mouth like a peppermint.
Tina and the wedding guests groaned.
I held up my palm. ”No, Sewage Monster. I need that. Give it here.” Sewage Monster just stared at me and pretended not to hear. I repeated myself and Sewage Monster looked up, like it still couldn’t hear me, but I could hear it chewing on the ring. I wondered how strong its teeth were.
”Give it. Give it.” I said firmly and put my flat palm under its mouth. ”Give. Now, Sewage Monster.” It finally gave me a reproachful look, bent its head forward, and spit the gooey ring into my hand. It’s important to reward good behavior right away, so I scratched its dribbling chin, which was much warmer and stickier than you might think.
I turned to Tina to put the ring on her finger, but she just stared at the goopy ring in horror. I carefully flicked the goop off before putting it on Tina’s shaking finger. Boy, she hadn’t retched that much since that time she got really drunk in college.
Then the rest of the ceremony was smooth sailing, pretty much, and we kissed and everyone who hadn’t left cheered. And here is the cutest part. The Sewage Monster was so overcome with joy it rushed right past me and gave Tina a great big squishy bear hug! Luckily for us, Tina’s wedding dress was already pretty old and used, as it was her grandmother’s.
Finally, Tina came up for air, coughing and gagging. Instead of the traditional recessional, Tina stormed out without me, screaming words that made parents cover their children’s ears. Then it was just me, the Sewage Monster, and Stan. Stan looked around and said, “so much for a fun honeymoon.”
The Sewage Monster asked, “honeymoon? What is a honeymoon?” It looked at me with its big draining eyes and asked, “Can I join the honeymoon?”
Well, it looked so gosh-darn cute and hopeful. How could anyone say no? “Of course you can! Tina and I would love to take you with us on our honeymoon.”
And let me tell you, when Tina saw I brought the Sewage Monster on our cruise ship, she was overcome with all sorts of emotions. And to this day, she brings the Sewage Monster up every time we have an argument.