Herman Melville’s classic novel “Moby Dick” was originally written as a Western audio drama for radio. Our team of Discount Storytime Explorers found the original radio script in a remote mountain cabin, with a note, “Radio still not invented yet. Screw it. Just make Moby Dick a novel I guess. -Herman.” Lucky for you, lucky reader, here is the never-before performed audio drama “Moby Dick: the Western”
-[Western Music]-
Narrator: Pequad was a small little town in Nerbly County. Not much happened in Pequad, which consisted of a general store, barber, Famous Footwear, an old timey photo studio (but they just called it a photo studio), and, of course, a saloon. One late afternoon in the aforementioned Saloon, Piany plays piano for the usual crowd. A pretty young lady flirts with the barkeep, then grabs her purse to leave for her shift at the gumption factory, as canned gumption is the town’s main revenue. She extends her thumb and pinky finger to the ‘call me’ sign.
Pretty girl: “Call me, Ishmael!”
Ishmael: “I will darlin’ as soon as phones are invented! Now you go on to work. I gotta tend bar.”
Narrator: The girl leaves and Starbuck, the town sheriff, moseys up to the bar.
Ishmael: Evening Sheriff! Will you be having the usual?
Sheriff Starbuck: Not tonight, Ishmael. I’m on duty.
Ishmael: Why are you still on duty? It’s been so quiet around here.
Sheriff Starbuck: Exactly! And that is when a sheriff gets nervous.
Narrator: And just like that, the saloon’s doors swing open. And then swing back and someone says “Ouch! Dammit!” Then they swing open again and a figure careens through. But not all that quick, and gets clobbered in the shoulder by one of the saloon doors. In steps… Captain Ahab! He is grim and determined. His clothes are all black and scuffed. A white scar runs down his scowling face. Captain Ahab steps forward with a solid thud, as his left leg is missing, replaced with the leg of a department store lady mannequin. The prosthetic is as menacing as it is shapely, and makes a glum thud as he walks. His remaining leg wears a dull and scuffed Reebok cowboy boot. Ahab stares at everyone and announces.
Capt. Ahab: “I am looking for a white whale. For today is the day I get my vengeance! My vengeance for that fateful day many a year ago! I had an argument with the great fish, known as Moby Dick, over whether or not cereal is soup. I say it is, and it is! Well, then things done escalated.”
-[harp glissando]-
Narrator: Years ago at high noon. Capt. Ahab and an enormous whale faced each other with hatred in their eyes. Sheriff Starbuck stood between them and explained the standoff rules, in which there are no rules.
Sheriff Starbuck: Do you both understand the rules? Good. I want you both to draw, and I want a nice clean standoff with standard standoff rules. No hijinks!
-Standoff music and a gunshot-
Capt. Ahab: [screams in pain] My leg, you shot off my leg!
Narrator: Captain Ahab hoped away crying.
-[harp glissando]-
Narrator: Back in the saloon, a boing hopping sound is heard [boing hopping sound] as a white whale, Moby Dick, hops forward. He is large and stately, white as snow, wearing a white cowboy hat, white as snow, and a white three-piece suit, white as snow. On his tail fin is duct taped a human leg with a black Reebok cowboy boot, black as snow. He then speaks.
Moby Dick: “Cereal ain’t soup, stranger. But that don’t matter because I ain’t never seen you before. And I don’t care none for the accusations you accusationing me of.”
Capt. Ahab: “What the hell are you talking about? Of course you know me. We were in the standoff and you shot my leg off. Look! You are wearing my leg! It still has my other Reebok cowboy boot.”
Moby Dick: “Lots of folks wear Reebok cowboy boots, stranger. They are comfortable and fashionable. I done got this at the town Famous Footwear. Want me to show you the receipt?”
Capt. Ahab: “Yes. Yes, I would!”
Moby Dick: “Would what, stranger?”
Capt. Ahab: “Like to see your receipt for the cowboy boot you are wearing. On MY LEG!”
Moby Dick: “Well… um… How do I know you didn’t steal MY Reebok cowboy boot? Where’s your receipt?”
Narrator: The townsfolk murmur and agree with Moby Dick. Ishmael speaks up.
Ishmael: “We don’t know you, stranger. But Moby Dick done been wearing that cowboy boot since he had a shootout with some fella a few years back!”
Capt. Ahab: “Me! That was me!”
Narrator: Sheriff Starbuck sees the situation getting out of hand and intervenes.
Sheriff Starbuck: “Now, now. Ain’t no reason for feuding. When we have a situation that needs settling around here, we solve it all civil like. By shooting at each other. This’n here calls for a standoff. Let’s all go outside.”
-[Crowd cheers. Ahab sighs and says “fine.”]-
Sheriff Starbuck: Now that we’re all outside. I want you both to draw, and I want a nice clean standoff with standard standoff rules. No hijinks!
-Standoff music and a gunshot-
Capt. Ahab: [screams in pain] My arm, you shot off my arm!
Narrator: Captain Ahab hops away crying and holding the bloody stump of his shoulder.
Narrator: Three months pass. The town goes back to normal and everything quiets back down. Then one day, in the saloon…
-[piano playing]-
Ishmael: Evening Sheriff! Will you be having the usual?
Sheriff Starbuck: Not tonight, Ishmael. I’m on duty.
Ishmael: Why are you still on duty? It’s been so quiet around here for the last three months.
Sheriff Starbuck: Exactly! And that’s when a sheriff gets nervous.
Narrator: And just like that, the saloon doors swing open. They then get stuck on a department store mannequin’s lady arm. The arm eventually works the saloon door back open and is attached to… Captain Ahab! Ahab stares at everyone and announces.
-[piano stops and a record scratch]-
Capt. Ahab: “You may remember me from before. I am looking for a white whale. For today is the day I get my vengeance! My vengeance for that fateful day many a year ago! And also for that other fateful day three months ago. When that no-good white whale Moby Dick took off my leg and arm, respectively.”
Narrator: Moby Dick hops forward with the taped on human leg. He now has a human arm duct taped to his right flipper, and the arm flops back and forth as he speaks.
Moby Dick: “I ain’t never seen you before, stranger. And I don’t care none for the accusations you accusationing me of.”
Capt. Ahab: “What the hell are you talking about? Of course you know me. We were in another standoff and you shot my arm off. The same arm taped to your right flipper. Look! It still has my high school ring on it.”
Moby Dick: “Nope. I’m pretty sure that is my high school ring.”
Capt. Ahab: “Oh really? We were in high school together? Because I don’t remember seeing you!”
Moby Dick: “I can show you my picture in the yearbook if you like, stranger. But I don’t appreciate being called a liar. Especially from an old high school classmate.”
Capt. Ahab: “Oh yeah? What was our high school mascot?”
Moby Dick: “Um… A whale?”
Capt. Ahab: “LUCKY GUESS!”
Narrator: Sheriff Starbuck sees the situation getting out of hand and intervenes.
Sheriff Starbuck: “Now, now. Ain’t no reason for feuding. When we have a situation that needs settling around here, we solve it all civil like. By shooting at each other. This’n here calls for a standoff. Let’s all go outside.”
-[Crowd cheers. Ahab sighs and says “ugh.”]-
Sheriff Starbuck: Now that we’re all outside. I want you both to draw, and I want a nice clean standoff with standard standoff rules. No hijinks!
-[standoff music and a gunshot]-
Capt. Ahab: [screams in pain] My spleen, you shot my spleen out of my body!
Narrator: Captain Ahab hops away crying and using his mannequin lady arm to staunch the blood coming out of his now-empty spleen hole.
Narrator: Three more months pass. The town goes back to normal and everything quiets back down. Then one day, back in the saloon…
-[piano playing]-
Ishmael: Evening Sheriff! Will you be having the usual?
Sheriff Starbuck: Not tonight, Ishmael. I’m on duty.
Ishmael: Why are you still on duty? It’s been so quiet around here for the last three months.
Sheriff Starbuck: Exactly! And that’s when a sheriff gets nervous.
Narrator: And just like that, the saloon doors swing open. It’s Captain Ahab! -[piano stops and a record scratch]- He stares at everyone and announces.
Capt. Ahab: “Hi! Me again. Getting to be a regular, I guess, ha. I’m still alive. I made it to the hospital after the shootout. They didn’t have any human spleens available, so they transplanted a badger spleen into me. It is kind of leaky, but overall it works okay. That brush with death got me thinking. I was too hard on Moby Dick. Maybe I should let bygones be bygones. I will be okay so long as I still have my department store mannequin lady leg and department store mannequin lady arm, my leaky badger spleen, and most of all, my best gal, Suzy-Mae, who I plan on proposing to tonight!”
Narrator: Ahab sees Suzy-Mae is at a table French kissing Moby Dick.
Suzy-Mae: “Oh, hi Ahab.”
Capt. Ahab: “Suzy-Mae? Consarn it, woman! What are you doing with Moby Dick?”
Suzy-Mae: “Sorry, Ahab. But I just can’t resist a big strong man with a big strong spleen.”
Narrator: She points to the spleen duct taped to Moby Dick. Over the tape is a neatly printed label that says “Ahab’s Spleen.”
Ahab: “That’s mine! That’s my spleen! Moby Dick took it!”
Moby Dick: “I ain’t never seen you before, stranger. And I don’t care none for the accusations you accusationing me of. If’n this spleen is yours, and I ain’t saying it is. Then I accidentally labeled it, that’s all.”
Ahab: [incredulous] “Nobody uses a fucking label maker by accident! That’s my spleen and my gal! I’ve had enough! I’m a gonna kill you!”
Narrator: Ahab takes out his six-shooter and points it at Moby Dick. Sheriff Starbuck sees the situation getting out of hand and intervenes.
Sheriff Starbuck: “Now, now. Ain’t no reason for feuding. When we have a situation that needs settling around here, we solve it all civil like. By shooting at each other. This’n here calls for a standoff. Let’s all go outside.”
-[Crowd cheers. Ahab sighs and says “god dammit.”]-
Sheriff Starbuck: Now that we’re all outside. I want you both to draw, and I want a nice clean standoff with standard standoff rules. No hijinks!
-[standoff music and a gunshot]-
-[funeral bells]-
Narrator: The next day, a small crowd stands around the grave site as a casket is lowered. Wearing his best white suit, Moby Dick and his new bride, Suzy-Mae, turn and drive home from the funeral.
Suzy-Mae: “When we get home, I’ll make some coffee. Would you like some?”
Moby Dick: “Oh yes, please.”
Narrator: Back home Moby Dick looks solemnly out the window. The sun is setting and an auburn glow fills the modest home. Soon Suzy-Mae brings in two cups of coffee. They sip their coffee in silence, then Suzy-Mae smiles.
Suzy-Mae: “I know what will cheer us up.”
Narrator: She walks over to the mounted head of Captain Ahab and pushes a button. Suddenly “Old Faithful” fills the living room. With each syllable, Captain Ahab’s lower jaw mechanically bobs up and down as if he is singing the lyrics.
Suzy-Mae and Moby Dick laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and get up and start dancing, as this story ends happily for everyone!