(You can also hear it here.)
Middle City had so much to be proud of – a booming economy (they manufactured dynamite), beautiful parks, good jobs, and affordable housing. The residents of Middle City loved their pets! There was no shortage of dog parks, cat cafes, and horse pools. Middle University’s well-funded Center for Virology Research and Pizzeria was a first-class academic facility and nearby was a very special park. And at that very special park is when our story begins.
At the Middle City’s Municipal Virus Park, two young virologists, Hector and Milton, sat on a bench, drank coffee, and caught up. They had been friends since graduate school, and hung out at least once a week. Hector sipped his latte, wiped the froth off his mustache, and looked up at the changing tree leaves. “Fall’s here. Pretty soon, pumpkin spice will be back. I can feel it.”
Milton laughed. “You know you can just buy pumpkin spice syrup anytime, right?”
Hector nodded. “I know, but it’s not the same. Pumpkin Spice Coffee has to go with cool weather, pulling sweaters out of storage, and what such.”
“Nah, it’s only coffee. Coffee is coffee,” Milton huffed and drank his Sanka.
While Hector gave Milton side-eye, a large shipping container wheeled through the entry gate. It was about the size of a person, or, more specifically, a person could easily fit inside it. There were air vents, but it was so dense you couldn’t see inside.
A young woman, Elanor, pushed the container along. Tall with curly red hair, and in jeans and a Panchiko concert shirt, Elanor was the latest virologist to join Middle University’s Center for Virology Research and Pizzeria. Hector pointed. “Is that Elanor? What is she doing?”
Milton, who was petting a virus who ran up to visit, looked over and scrunched his face. “Yeah. What does she have?”
Hector said, “I dunno. Let’s find out.” He called out to Elanor and waved her over. She smiled, waved back, and rolled the container over, being careful not to accidentally roll over any of the viruses running around sniffing at the wheels. Elanor moved the container next to a nearby bench and patted the top. “It’s okay, sweetie. I’m right over there.” The container, or more precisely its contents, rumbled nervously.
Elanor smiled. “Hey guys! Good to see you both outside of work.” She took a , and they caught up with small talk. And in small talk, I mean Hector peppered Elanor with questions, but in a friendly way. He was always curious to learn about other people. That’s a nice way of saying Hector was nosy.
Meanwhile, Milton watched the mysterious container. It quieted down, but rumbled anxiously if anything got too close.
The small talk died down after a bit, and they all sat quietly, taking in the sunlight and refreshing, crisp air. Elanor sighed contently. “Gonna be autumn soon; I can’t wait. I missed the change of seasons at my last job. It was on an island. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. But hot and humid. “ She shook her head. “If you think my hair is curly today, you should have seen it there. Ugh. A mess.”
Hector asked, “You worked on an island? How exciting! What did you do?”
Elanor waved a hand. “I can’t say, nondisclosure and company secrets and all. But they needed a virologist for an extensive project they were working on. That’s where I picked her up.” Elanor pointed to the container, and a huff of breath came out from its darkness. “She can be terribly shy. That’s why I’m not letting her out yet. Wait until she acclimates.”
“Oh,” Milton said, as if that explained anything.
Elanor continued. “It was good work on the island, and the facilities were top-notch. They spared no expense. But when my contract was up, I missed home, so I came back. I grew up near here, but hadn’t been back for years.” A yellowed leaf fell down into her lap, and she laughed. “And I really, really missed Autumn. It’s my favorite season. I can’t even wait, so I learned to make my own pumpkin spice coffee syrup. That way I can enjoy it year-round.”
“See?” said Milton to Hector.
Elanor tossed the leaf. “But it still tastes best when the weather cools, and pulling sweaters out of storage, and what such.”
“See?” said Hector to Milton.
Elanor looked around and watched viruses chase each other around the park’s agility course. “Which ones are yours?”
Milton was about to point to his virus when he froze. His face paled as he pointed to the park’s entrance. “There goes a perfectly delightful morning.” Hector saw who Milton was pointing to and sighed – Nedrick. Nedrick sauntered in as if he were a king appraising his kingdom. He was accompanied by his two lab assistants, Frederick and Cedrick. Wherever he went, they followed, kissing his butt the whole time.
“Who is that?” asked Elanor, noting the sudden change in atmosphere. The park had been loud and playful, but became so tense even the tree branches shook. Hector and Milton looked down to avoid eye contact with Nedrick. Maybe if they didn’t move, Nedrick couldn’t see them.
Hector snarled. “That’s Nedrick, another virologist. He’s a jerk. Last week he pushed me down and took my grant money for the entire week.”
“Shhh! He’ll hear you!” Milton hissed.
Luckily for them, and unluckily for others, Nedrick saw a scared group of virologists huddling at the other end of the park. “Hey nerds!” he called with a booming, cruel laugh. Nedrick, Fredrick, and Cedrick strolled to the cowering group. “Well, well, well. What do we have here?”
Milton wiped sweat off his brow, even though the air was cool. “That was close. I’m sorry, Elanor. You were asking something?”
“Oh. Yeah. Which ones are yours?”
Milton pointed. “That little guy over there.”
Elanor squinted, then smiled. “The Rhinovirus? Awww. He’s cute!”
Milton smiled. “Thanks! I picked him up at the grocery store. Poor little guy was sitting all alone on a grocery cart handle.”
“That little stinker over there is mine. He’s a handful, but he’s family.” Hector said and pointed to herpes.
“Where did you pick him up?” asked Elanor.
Hector leaned over and whispered, “At a campaign fundraiser for a prominent senator.”
Elanor tilted her head. “Really? Which senator?”
Discreetly, Hector whispered the senator’s name in Elanor’s ear, and she laughed. “Ha! That doesn’t surprise me at all!” Her laughter awoke the contents of the container, who had dozed off. The container eagerly shook, and Elanor clapped her hands. “Oh, good. Are you ready to play? Are you ready to go make friends?”
In reply, the container shook excitedly again, this time making a ruckus. Elanor went to open it when a nearby voice boomed, “Hey nerds!” Then there was a cruel laugh. “Well, well, well. What do we have here?” Elanor stopped in her tracks.
Nedrick, Fredrick, and Cedrick were next to the container, banging on it.
Elanor leapt up. “Please stop. She’s sensitive.”
Nedrick sauntered up to Elanor and grabbed her chin, turning her head from side to side, studying her face. “And who are you, darlin’? I don’t remember seeing you before in… my domain.” Frederick and Cedrick snickered. “Good one, boss!”
“Leave her alone, Nedrick!” said Hector, who had had enough. His virus, herpes, was at his heels growling protectively. Emily slapped away Nedrick’s hand. “I’m Elanor, your colleague. And don’t touch me ever again!” She was taller than he was, and easily stared him down, but Nedrick paid little attention.
“Whatever. You will learn to love me; they all do.” He snickered at his own cleverness. “As you probably know, I’m Nedrick. And this is my virus.” He whistled, and a large, mean-looking norovirus in a spiked collar trotted over. “I caught this brute on a cruise ship. He’s well-trained. Obedient, like you will become.” Frederick and Cedrick snickered. “Good one, boss!”
Nedrick slapped the container’s sides. “What’s in the container? Hmmm? My norovirus could use – a snack.”
Elanor yelled, “Stop it!” But Nedrick kept slapping the container harder. Elanor looked to Hector and Milton for help. They were livid. It was one thing to pick on coworkers, and still not nice, but terrorizing a little virus was beyond the pale. Hector said, “Pick on someone your own size,” and closed in on Nedrick, but Fredrick and Cedrick blocked him. “What? You need your lab assistants to protect you?”
Not taking the bait, Nedrick felt around for the door latch. “Let’s just let this… THING out and look.” Elanor pled with him. “No. Stop! She’s upset! You’re upsetting her!”
But it was too late. Nedrick found the door latch and looked over his shoulder, eyes smiling. “Oh, boo-hoo! Little baby virus can’t handle – AHHHHH!” The door flew open and out pounced a velociraptor wearing a pink cowboy hat!
“What the hell is that?” cried Frederick and Cedrick as they scrambled away. The velociraptor knocked a screaming Nedrick to the ground. Nedrick’s eyes went wide as the pink cowboy hat-wearing velociraptor approached. Saliva dripped from her sharp fangs. “No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Make it stop!”
Elanor calmly said, “I could. She is – what did you say? ‘well trained. Obedient, like you will become?’ Maybe SHE could use a snack?” The velociraptor tore down at Nedrick and ripped off his belt buckle. Nedrick, now in full panic, rolled over and scrambled to his knees. He screamed for Frederick and Cedrick to do something, but they were already long gone. He crawled away, then stood up. His pants fell down around his ankles, exposing red heart boxers. He quickly shuffled out of the park, screaming and crying the whole time.
Once the commotion calmed down, Hector and Milton asked, “What on earth was that about?”
“Oh, here’s mine. Like I said, I picked her up on the island I worked at. “ She cooed, and the pink cowboy hat-wearing velociraptor ran up to her and nuzzled. Riding on its back, in a little pink saddle and wearing a matching pink cowboy hat, was an Ebola virus.”
“Ohhh. Awwww!” they said.
“Thanks! She’s a cutie. And also I smuggled a velociraptor into the country. Okay, little Ebola, go play.”
Ebola pulled on the reins of her velociraptor, and they ran over and played with all the other viruses.
And everyone had a wonderful morning at the park, after all.