“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours; if they don’t, they never were.” – Richard Bach, I think, probably.
It was a foggy morning on the Discount Village Pier. The day was chilly, and every day had been getting colder, and not just the weather. An angry mob looked out over the water. Holding back tears, they thought back to happier times. Back to the beginning…
It was a warm summer evening when the angry villagers noticed it. Just on the outskirts of Discount Village, by the pier, a large dark figure shambled.
The angry villagers called out. “Hello? Can we help you?”
“Hrrr!” growled the shape, who walked stiffly out of the shadows and into the villager’s torchlight. It was tall, grey, and wore shabby torn clothes, not much more than burlap, really. Two neck bolts shone in the torchlight.
The angry mob gasped. It was a horrible monster! Sure, they had seen monsters before. Even chased a few when they were young and foolish. But this monster — the way the moonlight gleamed off its forehead and neck bolts. The angry mob hadn’t noticed the change in their own breathing.
The monster looked at the angry mob, dozens of villagers holding up torches and firm pitchforks. Its heart pounded in its chest. Sure, it had been in front of angry mobs before, but none like this one. Stunning. Breathtaking. These were words the monster felt but couldn’t pronounce, and instead held up its arms and said “Hrrr!”
An uncomfortable silence followed. Everyone was awkwardly unsure what to do next. Also, a moment of tension and of… anticipation. That night, their first night together, the angry mob chased the monster. Several times. Over and over in the moonlit night. As the monster ran from the angry mob, it felt free and unencumbered. It would speed up, then slow down, speed up, and slow down, dreamily moaning as it ran from the sweaty, breathless mob.
The next morning, both the angry mob and the monster were exhausted and sore. So sore from running, they could barely walk. But it had been a wonderful night, a night of bliss. A night the angry mob and the monster wished could have lasted forever.
Six months later, the monster moved into the village. They had forged a beautiful relationship, even when things got tense. For example, one day the monster was doing laundry and was just so darn tired of picking up the dirty clothes the angry mob left on the floor. “Hrrr!”
The angry mob was making peanut butter sandwiches and looked up in terror at the irate monster. The monster, who just wanted to get laundry done, threw dirty shoes and tunics at the angry mob.
“No! No! NO!” shouted the angry mob and ducked for cover.
Well, soon the monster threw a dirty gown at the pitchfork cabinet, and the tables turned. The mob saw the pitchforks and gave a cheeky smile. Seeing this, the monster’s anger morphed into fiery passion. The monster’s heart throbbed, it turned away from the mob and swished its hips. The monster looked back playfully and said, “Hrrr!!!” The chase was on!
Hours later, sweaty and panting, the angry mob and the monster lay about in the lazy summer sun. It was time for a serious discussion. Discount Village was under hard times. Their biggest source of income was the village’s all-you-can eat petting zoo and BBQ pit. And with the economy the way it was, money was tight. And even though the monster made a decent living, it wasn’t enough to support an entire village.
The angry villagers said, “We’ve been looking at the budget, and don’t know how we can stay afloat. Even with your job.”
“Hrrr!”
“Yes. Your optometry business is doing well.” (Oh yeah, the monster was an optometrist.) “But that’s not enough to support the entire village. We need $50,000 or we are going to have to shut Discount Village down. What are we going to do?”
That night, as the angry villagers tossed and turned, the monster came up with an idea. With a mischievous grin, it woke up the angry mob and said, “Hrrr!”
Moonlight glinted on the angry mob’s sleepy eyes as they said, “Las Vegas? You want to go to Las Vegas? Now?”
“Hrrr!”
The angry mob shook their heads. “But that’s all our money! What if…”
“Hrrr!”
They considered this and said, “Good point. Let’s do it! Let’s go to Vegas and gamble our last bit of money!” The angry mob got up and dressed. Yes, they were poor, but they had the monster, and the monster had them. They were invincible. At least, that’s what they thought.
Once in Las Vegas, the angry mob went straight to the craps table, and the dice were hot that day, let me tell you. The savings they had brought were growing and growing with each dice throw. Meanwhile, the monster went window shopping and ran across a Neck Bolts boutique. It saw a beautiful set of golden neck bolts and tried them on. The golden neck bolts glimmered against its flaky grey skin, and the monster felt special, felt beautiful, felt…broke. The neck bolts cost $5000. Yikes!
Others noticed the monster. Just outside the boutique, a wealthy mob gasped when they saw the monster with the golden neck bolts. It was a horrible monster. Sure, they had seen monsters before. Even chased more than a few when they were young and foolish. The wealthy mob entered the boutique.
“You should buy those neck bolts. They look good on you,” said the wealthy mob.
“Hrrr!” replied the monster, somewhat embarrassed.
“I see. Yes, they are expensive. We can buy them for you.” The wealthy mob stepped in closer, and the monster backed up. “We really think you ought to have those golden neck bolts.”
“Hrrr!” said the monster, and feeling very uncomfortable, left the boutique. The monster later found the angry mob as they we leaving the craps table, heads bowed down and worried looks on their faces. They look up at the monster, wiping tears away.
“Hrrr?” asked the monster.
“Yes. All gone. Turns out we suck at gambling. Probably should have thought that over.”
The monster’s shoulder’s slumped. “Hrrr!”
“Well, time to go. It was worth a try.” The angry mob started trudging to the casino exit. As they were leaving, a large crowd gathered to watch the wealthy mob play baccarat. The wealthy mob noticed the monster, smiled, and approached the angry mob. “Say, may we, if it’s okay of course, borrow your monster?”
Taken aback, the angry mob said, “That’s up to the monster.”
The monster, still uncomfortable from the boutique, shook its head. But the enormous crowd egged it on. Finally, between the cheering crowd, including some of the angry villagers, and the charm of the wealthy mob, the monster agreed.
“Huzzah! Follow us.” The wealthy mob said and led the monster back to the craps table. “We want to bet one million dollars.” The monster gasped. Even for a wealthy mob, that was a lot of dough. The wealthy mob got a million-dollar chip, which was a real thing in this story, and don’t even bother looking it up. The wealthy mob gently placed the million-dollar chip in the monster’s large, trembling hand. “Be our good-luck charm. Go on. Place a bet.”
Unsure and uncomfortable, the monster placed the million-dollar bet and chose the dice. It was about to roll when the wealthy mob intervened. “Isn’t there something you need to do first? For luck before the roll?”
Tentatively, the monster looked at the dice and roared “Hrrr!” for luck. It cast the die, and won! Whew! The casino’s floors shook when the monster let down its guard for a moment and jumped up and down in excitement.
The wealthy mob grinned from ear to ear. “Wow! You did it! How can we repay you? We know. We’re having a swanky hootenanny tonight. Let us pay for your stay, and please join us.” Then the wealthy mob looked over at the angry mob. “Everyone is invited, of course.”
The monster tried to think up an excuse not to go, but the best it could come up with was “Hrrr!” But the angry mob agreed, and the evening was set.
“Oh, and one more thing,” said the wealthy mob while putting a gift box in the monster’s ashen hands. “Wear these.” Then the wealthy mob left.
Curious, the monster opened the gift box and said, “Hrrr!”
The angry mob looked, and their eyes widened. The monster held up expensive golden neck bolts!
That evening, the swanky hootenanny overwhelmed the monster, but the angry mob seemed to enjoy the luxury of it all. They found the wealthy mob and struck up a conversation. While sitting outside and talking, and enjoying the beautiful evening, the wealthy mob could not keep their eyes off the monster.
“Look, we heard the beginning of this story and know Discount Village is in financial trouble, and we want to help. So we will not beat around the bush. This is a simple proposal, and please hear us out,” said the wealthy mob. The angry mob leaned in while the monster looked away. “We would like to offer you one million dollars.”
The monster and angry mob look at each other. A million dollars! That’s a lot of dough!
“Hrrr?” asked the monster.
“Good question,” said the wealthy mob. “And in return. For one night.” The wealthy mob looked the angry mob. “For one night. We get to chase your monster. What would you say to that?”
There was no reply. The monster and the angry mob simply stood up and walked out.
But later that night.
The angry mob tossed and turned, and the monster couldn’t even get to sleep.
“Hrrr!” said the monster.
“We can’t sleep either,” said the angry mob. “What are you thinking?”
“Hrrr!”
“But money’s not everything. We can get by.”
“Hrrr!”
“Yes, the money would help. But what about us? What do we do afterwards?”
“Hrrr!”
“Just not talk about it. Do you think that’s enough?”
“”Hrrr!” With that long, detailed and thoughtful explanation, the decision was made.
The next day, the wealthy mob, angry mob, and monster drew up a contract in the hotel’s business center. The wealthy mob, the monster, and the angry mob stood around uncomfortably. Finally, the wealthy mob said, “Whelp,” hoping the angry mob would get the hint.
The angry mob knew they had to leave. The monster looked nervously around. This was really going to happen. The angry mob, not knowing what to say, simply left.
As the angry mob walked around the casino, they noticed things they hadn’t noticed before. Had there really been so many neck bolt boutiques before? Why did everyone keep ordering drinks with a ‘chaser?’
The angry mob couldn’t take it anymore and rushed back to the monster, but it and the wealthy mob were gone!
The next morning, a tired monster returned to the hotel room and found an anxious, angry mob waiting. “What is that?” they asked and pointed to the monster’s neck. Glimmering on both sides were diamond neck bolts!
“Hrrr!” said the monster, which was about as good an explanation as anything, and besides, they said they wouldn’t talk about it. The monster and the angry mob quietly packed their things for the long trip home.
They had not been home for long before everything went all higgledy-piggledy. The village restaurant’s sign had changed to “Wealthy Mob’s All-You-Can-Eat Petting Zoo and BBQ Pit.” The bank sign had changed also, and the barbershop, and the floss emporium. Even the monster’s Eye Care Clinic. All now under new ownership of the wealthy mob! What the heck was going on?
“Hrrr!” growled the monster.
“Is it, is it really?” asked the angry mob. The angry mob was just so darned well, angry. “Well, you know what we think! We think you are responsible for this! We think you WANTED to get – to get – to get chased by that wealthy mob!”
“Hrrr!” growled the monster.
“I know we said we wouldn’t talk about it. But now we WANT to talk about it! How can we not? After what YOU did! You liked it, didn’t you! You liked the way the wealthy mob chased you! Tell us you liked it! Confess!”
“Hrrr!” wailed the monster, tears welling in its eyes.
The angry mob’s jaws dropped. “How dare you say that to us! Leave! Get out of here! We don’t want you here! And never come back!” said the angry mob, quite angrily.
This was too much, and the monster ran away crying.
The monster knew what it needed to do and took the first bus to the home of the wealthy mob, Wealthyville. No sooner had the monster stepped off the bus and begun walking through the plush streets than it came across a sadly familiar sight.
Rushing past the monster was a large figure with ashen skin, neck bolts, and fancy dark clothes. Another monster! And it was being chased by, you guessed it, that no-good wealthy mob!
The other monster kept running and was off in the plush woods. The wealthy mob, stunned at seeing our monster, stopped in their tracks. They asked, “What are you doing here?”
“Hrrr!” growled the monster angrily.
“Ha! Of course we bought out Discount Village. That’s what we do. We buy things. We OWN things.” The wealthy mob sneered. “And it will cost you way more than one million dollars to buy back Discount Village. Now leave. You can’t be seen here. You know. With what happened.” The wealthy mob brushed their hands at our monster. “Shoo! Go before the wealthy monster sees you.”
Our monster was about to retort when the wealthy monster showed up and said, “Hrrr. Sees who?” I guess when you are a wealthy mob, you can afford talking monsters.
The wealthy mob’s faces paled. Clearly, this philandering mob was caught off guard. “Um, Um, Um…Nobody. Just a… just a…” This gave our monster an opportunity, and it said, “Hrrr!”
The wealthy monster took this all in. “You business partner? You came to discuss canceling merger?” the wealthy monster looked to the wealthy mob with one raised eyebrow. “Is true? Is this monster only a… business partner?”
“Um. Um.” stammered the philandering wealthy mob.
Our monster explained. “Hrrr!”
The wealthy monster nodded. “You recommend this wealthy mob divest all ownership of Discount Village?”
The wealthy mob eagerly chimed in. “Yes! Yes, we intended to do just that. Thanks for the, um, business advice.”
“Hrrr!”
“Of course. The villagers of Discount Village keep all the funds. Totally reimbursed.”
“Hrrr!”
The wealthy mob swallowed, but knew they had no choice. “And pay Discount Village an extra million dollars for the…inconvenience.”
With the angry mob of Discount Village getting their properties back, plus a million bucks, our monster was done. But where to go now?
“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours; if they don’t, they never were.”
It was a foggy morning on the pier next to Discount Village. Where the angry mob first saw the monster. They looked out over the water. The day was chilly, and every day was colder, and not just the weather.
The angry mob, holding back tears, thought back to the cruel words they had said. It wasn’t true. They didn’t want the monster to go away. If only they could take it all back. Out of the corner of everyone’s eyes, they saw a large figure shambling towards them. As the monster approached, the angry mob looked down in shame.
The monster approached, but stood there silently. Nobody knew what to say next.
Finally, the monster said, “Hrrr!”
The angry mob looked up, dozens of eyes wet with tears. “We’re sorry. We shouldn’t have said those awful things. Can you…what are you holding?”
The monster, who had its hands behind its back, brought out two handfuls of pitchforks and wriggled its eyebrows.
The angry mob smiled.
“Hrrr!” smirked the monster, and no truer statement about love has been said.