(You can also hear this story here.)
In the medieval kingdom of Discountvania, at Castle Discount, and specifically in the castle’s kitchen, King Murray and Queen Linda were having an awful fight. They had been screaming at each other all day when King Murray barreled up to the Queen and got right in her face and yelled terrible things. Queen Linda, furious, shoved King Murray backwards and yelled, “Just die already!”
They were both too angry to notice the arrow that flew in through the kitchen window straight at them.
Earlier that same day.
King Murray and Queen Linda sat on their thrones in the Great Hall of Castle Discount. Queen Linda looked at her nails. They should probably get a fresh coat of polish sometime. King Murray inhaled deeply and blew out his cheeks. ”So …”
”Hmmm?” asked Queen Linda, without looking up.
King Murray sighed. ”Nothing. I didn’t… anything. What are you thinking about for lunch?”
Queen Linda looked up at the ceiling, noticing how quickly cobwebs can form. “I dunno. Probably some of that leftover lamb salad. Make a sandwich.”
”Again? We had that yesterday.”
Queen Linda provided side-eye. ”Yes. That’s why it is called leftovers. Besides, you don’t have to eat it. Make something else if you want. Maybe if we still had the royal chef here.”
”Yeah. Maybe if you hadn’t screwed that up.”
Queen Linda flinched at the accusation. “Screw you, Murray,” and she got off her throne and stormed out. The chamber echoed her angry footsteps.
King Murray blew his cheeks out again and looked around. “Stupid Lamb Salad. We’re almost out of pickles, anyway. Can’t have a decent sandwich without pickles.”
One of the Royal hounds, an older greyhound named Plucky, climbed up on the Queen’s throne. King Murray looked over with his eyes. “Down. Get down, girl. No dogs on the furniture.” In reply, Plucky sniffed at the air, pawed at the throne, then flopped down and almost immediately started snoring. ”Suite yoursel- yoursel- Ah-Choo!” King Murray grabbed at the royal box of facial tissues next to his throne, but it was empty. “Dammit,” he growled.
Plucky opened one eye briefly, then she went back to sleep.
”Where is the Royal restocker when you – “ then trailed off. He knew where the royal restocker was, as well as the royal chef, the royal coachman, the royal toothbrush warmer, and on and on. They weren’t here. They hadn’t been here for three days, and dog dander was playing havoc with King Murray’s royal sinuses. Somebody needed to clean this royal mess.
King Murray sighed. “Well, plucky. It looh- it looks- Ah-Choo! It looks like it’s up to me to keep this castle going. I am the royal king after all.” Plucky barked at something in her dream.
”Exactly,” said King Murray, and stood up.
Queen Linda was in the royal kitchen, royal dishes piled up in the sink, the royal trash cans smelled horrible, and plastic wrappers were everywhere. She stood at the royal kitchen island, having just made a lamb salad sandwich. Queen Linda looked at the jar of Royal Pickles. There was only one left. She didn’t particularly care for pickles, but knew King Murray loved them with his sandwiches. So, she took the last one.
“Serves him right for putting us in this spot,” she thought, bit down on the pickle and her face puckered.
She carried her lunch to the Royal Dining Hall and sat at the long dining table, which was getting dusty fast. She took a bite, and her salty sandwich made her thirsty. And of course, her glass of water was still in the kitchen. Queen Linda went back to the kitchen for her water, then upon returning to the Royal Dining Hall stopped in her tracks.
Scamp, one of the Royal cats, was standing on the dining table helping himself to her sandwich! Queen Linda yelled, ”No. Shoo. Get! I fed you this morning – you!” Queen Linda waved the naughty orange tabby off. When she got back to her seat, her face fell.
It wasn’t bad that Scamp stole a bite of sandwich. He had earned his name for sure. However, he tracked big clumps of dirty cat litter onto the Royal Dining Table and her plate. “Eww! Why didn’t the Royal Litter Box Attendant…”
Oh, that’s right. Because the Royal Litter Box Attendant wasn’t here. None of the castle staff were. Queen Linda flopped down in her chair and sighed. If King Murray hadn’t – Well, was she to blame also? Nope. Not a chance. Murray was king. He was ultimately responsible for what happened.
She looked around the Royal Dining Hall; the table was cluttered with dirty plates, bills, and castle keys, half of which no longer had matching locks for sure.
In one corner, Scamp the cat gave Queen Linda a haughty look. The queen sighed. “Well, Scamp, it looks like it’s up to me to keep this castle going. I am the Queen after all.”
King Murray and Queen Linda both took it upon themselves to clean the castle in the absence of castle staff. Of course, they blamed each other and decided a little punishment would be in order.
Queen Linda “accidentally” bumped into the stepladder King Murray was on to dust off the top of the Royal Ceiling Fans.
King Murray “accidentally” tripped over the vacuum cord, unplugging it without plugging it back in.
When Queen Linda went to make the Royal Bed and a poisonous snake struck out at her from the wadded sheets. She heard a snicker and turned to see King Murray bolt from the doorway.
King Murray opened the clothes dryer to change out laundry and jumped back when he saw a hornet’s nest had been placed in there.
Queen Linda was in the kitchen washing the Royal FiestaWare when King Murray walked in to get a glass of water.
One look at what the Queen was doing, and the King was incensed. “What do you think you’re doing?” Queen Linda scrubbed a bowl ferociously and snorted. ”Oh, let’s see. I’m at the sink. I’m wearing a pair of yellow gloves, and I’m scrubbing this pile of dirty dishes. What do you think?”
King Murray stomped his foot. “You are scrubbing them wrong!”
The Queen threw a Daffodil colored Fiesta ware pasta bowl to the ground, shattering it. “There! Is that better?”
The King’s face flushed with anger. “Typical. Typical Linda. Fly off the handle without even listening. All I was going to say was you are scrubbing the dishes counterclockwise instead of clockwise. You are doing it wrong.”
Queen Linda’s jaw dropped. ”Why does direction matter? Clockwise? Counterclockwise? Clocks haven’t even been invented yet!”
King Murray started picking up the bowl pieces. “Now we have to replace that bowl, and who knows if the outlet mall still has one in daffodil? Your carelessness is so disappointing. ”
”Disappointing? Disappointing? You are disappointing. You are a disappointing king, a disappointing husband, and a very disappointing lover. I wish I had never married you.“
The king barreled up to the queen and got right in her face. “Same here! Maybe I can take a vacation, a vacation from you, you shrew!”
Queen Linda, furious, shoved King Murray backwards and yelled, “Just die already!”
They were both too angry to notice the arrow that flew in through the kitchen window straight at them.
The arrow was from Discountvania’s enemy, Qualityvania. The arrow would have hit King Murray in the head had he not been shoved.
A loud twang twanged the room.
On the wall opposite the window, the arrow stuck through a small wooden “bless this mess” sign. There was a note! King Murray pulled Queen Linda away from the window and grabbed the arrow and note. It read:
“King Murray,
I have it on good authority that your castle’s entire staff, including your army, is out on PTO. All at the same time!
Ha! You fools! Prepare for your castle to be invaded, swine!
Warmly,
Todd, Duke of Qualityvania”
King Murray’s face fell. “They know. They know of our… my mistake.”
Queen Linda’s face softened. “How did they find out? How do they know that we approved everybody’s PTO without even looking at the calendar? “
The collective ‘we’ did not go unnoticed by King Murray. And he appreciated it. Yes, castle staff had put their PTO requests in by the given deadline. And true, Queen Linda sometimes looked over those things, but, at the end of the day, King Murray should have paid more attention. He was the king, after all.
”Regardless. Our army is on vacation far off in Ye Olde Margaritavania. Even if we called our armies back now, they wouldn’t get here in time.”
”But… but…” Queen Linda’s bottom lip quivered, something that hadn’t happened in a very long time. “But I just mopped the floors.”
King Murray looked around the kitchen. With the exception of the broken FiestaWare bowl on the floor, the kitchen was spotless. The floors were mopped, the countertops shone, and even the empty alcove, a space they kept open for a refrigerator once those got invented, was swept out and cleaned.
King Murray imagined the invading army rushing through the castle gate and storming into the great hall. Probably without even wiping their feet! His blue eyes cleared. He stood tall and calmly walked to the kitchen window and announced.
”You will not invade. I will not allow you to track your Hellspawn muddy boots into this castle, swine! You are not stomping your dirty feet on these floors that my queen just mopped. She worked very hard today. And you may not appreciate her hard work. But dammit, I do.” Just then, an arrow flew right at King Murray’s face, and without flinching, he caught it and snapped it in two. “Leave now or face my wrath!”
He stormed away from the window and almost fell backwards when Queen Linda gave him a tight hug and said, “Babe!”
He hugged her back. In this moment, they weren’t the aged King and Queen, but young newlyweds, when every day was an adventure and their hearts fluttered every time they saw each other.
After a moment, he pulled her back and said, ”My queen. I must go into battle.”
Her eyes watered. ”How many are there?”
King Murray went back to the kitchen window and looked out. His shoulders slumped. “About 200 or so. They know we don’t have an army, so they didn’t send a large force.” King Murray pouted. That’s not even a warm-up. That’s no fun at all.”
Queen Linda smirked, then walked up to her husband and tugged gently on his beard. “What if I fought them with you, like, on a date?”
”Like the old days?” His eyes sparkled.
In the Royal Armory, King Murray and Queen Linda took turns helping each other don their armor. She picked out a sword and shield, while he was more of a battle axe guy.
Queen Linda screamed, “Dammit, Murray!”
”What?” King Murray asked, taken aback.
”What the hell is this?” Queen Linda glared at him while pointing to a helmet.
King Murray couldn’t see anything at first, but when he stepped closer, there was a thick layer of dust all over the helmet. He looked back at his queen, who was staring him down with daggers.
He blushed. ”I- I- I- thought I got them all. “
Queen Linda couldn’t keep it up much longer, and snarling lips cracked into a grin. “Got ya!” The room echoed with King Murray’s booming laugh, and he playfully threw a nearby dust cloth at her.
With armor and weapons, the King and Queen stepped out of the freshly cleaned Castle Discount. He turned to her and asked, “Are you ready to defend our kingdom?”
She looked him dead in the eyes and said, “No, Murray, I’m not.”
King Murray’s eyebrows raised. “No?”
Queen Linda purred. “Nope. I’m ready to defend our home.” She smiled and, on her tiptoes, gave him a kiss.
Then they walked arm and arm to face the oncoming army together.