(You can also hear it here.)
Oh, how wonderful life is on Discount Farm! From the barn to the growing crops and stuff. But let us stick with the barn. Because today, the Barn is getting a new pig! This is no ordinary pig, no, no, no. This particular pig comes with exposition!
You see, this pig, Wilbur, was born in the spring and was the runt of the farrow, which the internet tells me is the word for a litter of pigs. As the runt, little Wilbur would have been killed, but he was saved by the farmer’s young daughter, Fern. She took such good care of Wilbur the piglet that after two weeks he was sold off to Discount Farm.
In the new barn, Wilbur looked around his bedchamber within the barn place. It wasn’t the warm, comfy room he had shared with Fern. Wilbur sighed. A goose in the next barnyard bedchamber for animal’s place asked, “What’s the matter, little-little piglet?”
Wilbur snorted.
”Well. That’s not much-much of an answer. Cat got your tongue? Can’t you talk?” Wilbur, confused, stared at the goose.
The goose gave a goosy smile. ”Go on-on. Give it a try.”
”Will-bur” he said tentatively, then smiled.
The goose flapped her wings. ”There you go. Try some more!”
Wilber smiled. ”Tall-k. I can tall-k! I can talk! I can talk! I bet I can even podcast!”
The goose shuddered.”Heavens no! Nobody wants to listen to that garbage-garbage! So your name is … ?”
”Wilbur. My name is Wilbur. “
”It’s a pleasure to meet you, Wilbur. I would come over to your barn-bedroom area-place, but I have to stay on my eggs.”
”Your eggs?” asked Wilbur, looking over at the goose.
”Yes! I am having-having baby gooses!”
”How exciting!” Just then, Wilbur heard a splash in his elongated barn chafing dish. Templeton the rat jumped in and was stealing Wilbur’s slop! Templeton looked up at Wilbur and grinned. ”Hey there, Wilbur. Nice to meet you! My name is Templeton. Mind if I have a taste of your pig slop?”
Wilbur smiled weakly. “I’m not that hungry. Help yourself.”
As Templeton chowed down, other barn tenants came over to introduce themselves. Like sheep, horseys, and probably some moo-cows. Wilbur and his new friends spend the day playing and talking. And after making some new friends, he felt a little better. Even so, something was missing. Also on this first day, Wilbur hadn’t noticed the glistening threads above him.
The next morning, Wilbur awoke to the crow of a boy chicken. He got out of his piggy bed of dried grass and stretched. Then someone said, “Salutations!” Wilbur didn’t see anyone. ”What? Who is there?”
The voiced laughed. ”Oh. You can’t see me?”
”Where are you?” Wilbur asked, checking behind himself.
”I’m not hiding. I’m waving at you, Wilbur.” [giggle]
Wilbur circled himself and was getting frustrated. The voice cleared her throat and said, “Chin up!”
Wilber cocked his head. ”huh?”
The voice said, ”Chin up. Literally. Look up.” When Wilbur looked up, his jaw fell, which is probably just a thing pigs do. Just inside the barn door were glistening filaments, all crisscrossing into a web. In the middle sat a small creature with six legs, kind eyes, and a big smile. ”Salutations, Wilbur.”
Wilbur took a step back. ”Salu- what?”
The spider took a step on her web. ”Oh, sorry. Salutations means ‘hello’.”
”Oh. Salutations… um…”
”Charlotte. My name is Charlotte. It is a pleasure to meet you.” She waved one of her six arms.
”Salutations! What are you, if I may ask?” Wilber stepped closer to the web.
”Oh. I am a spider. I spin webs, have six legs, and eat bugs.”
Wilber’s eyes went wide. ”Oh. I’ve never met a spider before. Pleasure to meet you.”
Just then, a very small barn pelican flew through the air and landed on Charlotte’s web. She said, “I feel a vibration. Please excuse me.” Charlotte scuttled over to the small pelican and wrapped its squawking body in webbing.
“What are you doing?” asked Wilbur.
”Oh. I am fixing dinner for tonight. I wrap up bugs and pelicans that get trapped in my web, then I drink their blood.”
Wilbur backed up again. ”Ewww!”
”Hey now, Wilbur. I don’t criticize the slop Farmer Ted puts in your long chafing dish thingy.”
”You’re right. I’m sorry.”
Charlotte smiled. ”Think nothing of it. The world is special when we celebrate all of our differences. Except for goats. Fuck those guys.”
And that’s how Wilbur and Charlotte met and became friends.
Having Charlotte as a friend helped calm Wilbur’s nerves, and the little pig got his appetite back, and was soon eating like a horse. Charlotte taught Wilbur all sorts of things, for Charlotte was very knowledgeable about many things. She loved to read, and the barn animals were usually able to provide Charlotte with leftover conspiracy magazines that Farmer Ted threw out.
One day Charlotte was reading about the Denver Airport when Wilbur asked. “Say, Charlotte. Are we best friends?”
Charlotte set down the magazine. ”Of course, Wilbur.”
”Well. I was thinking. Maybe we could make it formal.”
”How do you mean, Wilbur?”
”I was thinking. What if we made a club? A best friend’s club? Just you and me.”
Charlotte smiled. ”Wilbur. I love that idea!”
So Wilbur and Charlotte formed Discount Farms’ very first Best Friends Club.
Whelp. That old sun kept rotating around the Earth, and before Wilbur knew it the days were getting cooler. The goose’s eggs had hatched, and she had seven baby gooses! One of the baby gooses, Jeffery, became fast friends with Wilbur. One brisk evening, they were playing tag, and Mother Goose said something strange. Jeffrey hugged Wilbur and said, “I love you, Wilbur. We are going to be friends forever!”
Mother Goose quacked at Jeffery. “Don’t get too attached-attached Jeffery. Wilbur won’t be with us much longer.”
Jeffery waddled over to his mother. ”What do you mean, Mama?”
Mother looked down. “Wilbur only has until this Fall, which is right around the corner. Then he will be taken to market-market.”
Wilbur couldn’t help but overhear. “What do you mean, taken to market?”
Mother Goose, stern but not unkind, sighed. “Dear Wilbur. You are a spring pig. Which means this fall you will be taken to market and butchered for meat for Farmer Ted. Humans eat-eat pigs. Probably because pigs are inferior to geese.”
“What about the Christmas Goose?” asked the sheep, who could never mind her own damn business. Mother goose bristled. ”That’s different. They don’t eat ME. I offer up my least favorite baby goose to them. Speaking of which. Come on Jeffery. You need-need to finish your dinner so you get nice and fat.”
Wilbur was mortified. “Humans eat pigs? You mean my whole existence in this story is to be meat?” A cold wind blew, and Wilbur went back inside and lay down, silent. Charlotte, seeing how upset her best friend was, glided down to the pig’s nose part. “I’m sorry, Wilbur. I thought you knew.”
Wilbur cried. ”I don’t want to die, Charlotte. But I don’t know what to do.” They sat in silence. Charlotte, never having a friend before, much less a “best friend’s club” best friend, didn’t know what to say. But what could she do?
What could she do?
Charlotte said, ”Chin up, Wilbur. I’ll think of something. I don’t know what yet, but I will save you my friend.”
Wilbur’s beady little eyes grew. “Do you mean it, Charlotte? You will help me?”
Charlotte smiled. “Of course. What is a best friend’s club for?”
Wilbur looked into Charlotte’s multiple eyes, saw that she meant it, and felt a little bit better. ”Thank you, Charlotte.” Exhausted, they both fell asleep.
Summer turned into fall, and Charlotte thought very hard about how to save her friend. But couldn’t come up with anything.Getting nervous, Wilbur started eating his feelings and was getting quite heavy, which didn’t help his situation.
Then, one fateful evening, Farmer Ted said, “Well, pig. You have done a great job. Look how big you got! Good job, pig. I’ll take you to market tomorrow.” Wilbur looked up at the farmer. “Tomorrow?” he thought. But Charlotte hadn’t come up with a plan to save him!
Charlotte heard that too. Dammit. She hadn’t thought of anything.
”Sleep well, pig.” The farmer said and playfully rapped Wilbur on the head with his rolled-up conspiracy magazine.
Charlotte saw the magazine, and an idea hit her. “That’s it!” Charlotte thought. “People are stupidly gullible. They will believe anything they read, and even the bullshit in Discount Storytime.” She immediately started tearing down her web. This would be a very busy night.
The next morning, Charlotte was fast asleep, snoring loudly to everyone’s dismay. She was so tired after being up all night that she forgot to plug in her CPAP machine.
Farmer Ted came out to get Wilbur. “Okay pig. Time to go to market.”
Charlotte awoke. Hoping the morning sun was enough to shine on her web. Charlotte had decided the best way to save Wilbur was to write something. Something short and punchy that would get Farmer Ted’s attention.
She stayed up all night and spun a brand new web. A very large web, and in the large web she spun large letters saying, “S-A-V-E T-H-E P-I-G.” It was sure to work. It had to work! Charlotte was quite proud of herself, really.
Farmer Ted was loading Wilbur into the pig barrow when his eyes caught a glint of sun. Something was sparkling. ”Well, what’s that?” He set down the safety strap from the pig barrow and looked at the barn door. Just inside the door was the largest spider web Farmer Ted had ever seen. But that wasn’t all. It had words. Written words within it!
Farmer Ted gawked. ”What the heck? This is amazing! A large spiderweb with… well, if I ever. It is telling me something. Why that goldurn spider web is sending me a message!”
Wilbur smiled.
Charlotte beamed with pride.
Farmer Ted took another step towards the barn door and read the words out loud. “S-H-A-V-E T-H-E P-I-G”
What?
Charlotte and Wilbur looked at the spiderweb. Charlotte, despite being very good at reading, was terrible at spelling. She had accidentally added an H.
Farmer Ted slapped his knee and said, “By golly! That’s amazing! This spider is making a request! Shave the Pig? Why I haven’t had shaved ham in a good long while. And this summer’s been a scorcher. Some nice cool shaved ham sandwiches sounds like a great idea!”
Wilber shook and Charlotte screamed out, “No! No! No!”
“Charlotte? What’s happening?” asked a panicked Wilbur.
The farmer strapped Wilbur into the pig barrow and headed off to the butcher.
Then, Farmer Ted stopped. “Wait. This is wrong.”
Everyone froze. Farmer Ted slowly turned back to Charlotte. “What am I thinking? I should thank you for the idea, spider. I’ll bring you a slice of ham in gratitude!”
While being taken away, Wilbur screamed, “What the shit, Charlotte? You said you’d help me!”
Charlotte cried, “I tried!”
Wilbur screamed, ”You lied! You lied to me!”
“No, Wilbur! I’m sorry!”
Between sobs, Wilber yelled, “I thought we were the best friend’s club! I hate you! I hate you!”
Charlotte felt horrible. She had let down her best friend, and now the rest of the barn tenants didn’t trust her. The latest barnyard poll had her approval rating down by 17 points.
She hadn’t been able to sleep that night. And the next day, as the hot noon sun beat down, Charlotte cried salty tears. Salty. Salty, like her delicious shaved ham lunch. Mmmmm. Ham.