After college and a few lousy starter jobs, I finally got a pleasant job that let me afford my first house. It was outside of town a bit, and small, but it was mine. It was a sweet little brick home with plenty of windows with green shutters and a green front door. The inside was, well, some would say small, but I would say cozy with a wood-burning fireplace and everything. I don’t know why people buy enormous mansions. To me, that seems like a lot of vacuuming. But they say that’s what money does to people. It makes them love vacuuming.
One day after work, I stopped by to visit my neighbor, Frank, who lived down a ways. Frank was pouring a foundation on a spot near his house. I asked what he was doing. And he just grunted “big plans, big plans.” Sometimes Frank would come over to visit me, even if I wasn’t at home. And he brought over a ladder, which I thought was nice, even though I don’t remember asking to borrow one. He would sit on my roof and drink lemonade, then leave after making some loud ripping sounds and hurriedly putting a roofing tile shaped lemonade pitcher in the back of his truck. This went on for a few weeks. I couldn’t figure out why he did that, but I didn’t give it much thought.
Then one night, as I lied in bed and looked up at the cloudy night sky, I thought “Maybe Frank is up to something.” But then I got distracted because lightning flashed and chilly rain drenched my bed.
Frank started visiting me frequently, like every day. We would drink lemonade and talk and catch up. He was a good listener. I would tell Frank about my day at work, my struggles, and my dreams, and Frank would grunt ‘uh-huh’ while measuring the rooms in my house.
It was nice to have the company. But I noticed each time he left, his overalls were sagging, as if he had something heavy in his pockets. Sometimes there were window frame shaped bulges in his overalls. I said nothing, of course, because I don’t like to be rude to guests, even if they are neighbors.
Shortly after, I worried I was working too hard at my new job, and work stress was making me tired and forgetful. The reason I say that is, it seemed, I had misplaced all the windows in my house. I thought I had kept them in the walls, you know, where windows are supposed to be, but they were gone. I even checked the couch cushions, and no luck. Oh well, I thought, they will turn up eventually.
Then one day I heard someone yelling ‘knock knock’ at my front door. I went to open the door, but, to my relief, I didn’t have to go through the tedious rigmarole of turning a doorknob and pulling the door open. Because the door was gone! Now where the heck had I put that? Oh, maybe under the couch, and not the cushions. I’ll check there next.
It was a delivery person. I recognized her from town. She worked with one of the construction companies in town and we sometimes got our morning coffee at the same time in our little town square coffee shop. She had large brown eyes, curly dark hair, and a cute smile. I always said hi to her, but we never talked much more than that. She drove a large truck filled with roofing felt, concrete for brick laying, screws and nails, buckets of paint, and all sorts of other building things I didn’t recognize.
“Oh, hey! I’m Tina. You’re from the coffee shop. Well, not from the coffee shop, but we both get morning coffee there. “She blushed. “Anyway, I’m here to deliver your house reassembly kit. Are you Frank McHouseStealy?” she asked.
“No, I’m Coffee McCann. Frank is my neighbor. He lives down the street that way. What did you say this kit is?”
“We sell house reassembly kits, that’s when you have all the main parts of a house, but you need the little sticky bits and what such to put it together.” She looked at me, and looked at the door, or where the door should be. She then looked at me and at the empty door frame, the empty window frames, the empty roof, and missing parts of walls. “When someone…” she said slowly “say, a neighbor, has… or takes… all the parts of a house and then reassembles that house… for… themselves,” Tina said while looking at me with wide eyes.
“Oh. I get it. A HOUSE reassembly kit. I said that to avoid appearing stupid. “Yes. Frank was pouring foundation a while back, so I bet he found house pieces somewhere. Jeez. I wish I had that kind of luck, because I keep misplacing all my house pieces.”
“Uh, huh. Well. Perhaps Frank would be someone you should talk to then. Talk to Frank.” she said, again slowly while nodding her head.
“Yeah! Maybe he has good luck from a monkey’s paw or something. I used to have a good luck monkey paw, or I thought it was a monkey’s. It turned out to just be some piece of crime scene evidence.” Tina laughed, and her dimples showed. Now it was my turn to blush. We talked for a while, mostly small talk. Tina finally said, “see you at the coffee shop, I hope” winked, and swished back to her truck. I would have asked for her phone number, but I haven’t felt lucky since the FBI took back my monkey paw.
That evening, after Frank came over for lemonade and conversation, I sat on my couch and looked at my favorite painting. It was hanging crooked. Probably because it hung on a stick in the ground, instead of on the wall that used to be there. I thought about the missing wall, and then an idea came to me. ‘Of course! How stupid of me!’ I thought to myself. I raced to my bedroom and checked my laundry basket, I went through every pocket on every pair of pants and couldn’t find walls, or a roof, or doors, or windows. Well, it was worth a shot.
While putting my pants back into the laundry basket, I noticed how dirty my white socks had gotten lately. Yech! Probably because the wood flooring and padding were gone, and I was walking on the concrete foundation. Man, that’s going to be a pain to vacuum. And I think you, dear listener, know my feelings about vacuuming by now.
The following day was really windy. I didn’t realize how windy it was until I got home from work and noticed the wind had blown my whole house frame away! Also, the wind blew away my furniture, TV, and appliances. That’s the kind of winds we get out here in the country. You’ve probably heard the term “appliance gusts.” Now you know what it means.As I went to sleep that night on the cold, hard concrete foundation, I thought about Tina and what she said.
“When someone…say, a neighbor, has…or takes…all the parts of a house and then reassembles that house… for… themselves.”
I ran through it again.
“a neighbor takes… all the parts of a house.”
And again
“a neighbor takes… a house.”
And again
“a neighbor…”
It was almost as if she was trying to tell me something. I was forming an idea before a family of raccoons attacked me and I forgot all about it.
The next day I called my home insurance company to report everything that blew away by the wind, but they said there was no report of high winds in my area and they wouldn’t cover it. Of course, always sticking it to the little guy, insurance companies. Jeez!
That evening, while fighting off raccoons for the last graham cracker, I realized Frank hadn’t been over to visit in a while. Then it hit me! Not hitting me like the raccoons hitting me, but hitting me like an idea hitting me. Frank! How could I be so stupid? If anyone had been stealing parts of my house, Frank would have seen something!
I tried calling him, but my phone was gone. So I decided to visit Frank the next morning.
After a night of fitful sleep and raccoon attacks, I drove over to Frank’s house. He was sitting on a front porch, but not on the porch of his regular house. But of a second house where he had been pouring foundation.
“Howdy!” He said. Probably the most chipper I had ever seen him.
“Hi Frank. Say. What ya got there?” I asked, pointing to the sweet little brick home with plenty of windows with green shutters and a green front door.
Frank grinned in a not-so-modest way. “Oh, this? Awww. Just a little project I been working on. Been meaning to build a second home, but didn’t have the parts.”
“Huh. That sure looks like my house, you know. And someone came by a while back, delivering a house reassembly kit.” Frank’s grin faltered, but just for a second. “Is that so? What a coincidence. Because this here is MY house. It’s on MY property.”
Then it dawned on me. Frank stole my house! “Give it back, Frank. That’s MY house and you know it!”
Frank got mad, like really mad. “Oh. Do you think so? Let me tell you what. College Boy! You ain’t built nothing for yourself, sunshine. You and your kind just come up and buy, buy, buy. Well, I ain’t giving it back. Because I’ve worked for this. I stole every inch of this house, fair and square. Now you get off my property, now!”
“No! I’m calling the Sheriff!” I was shaking.
Frank, who seemed like someone who wasn’t used to being told ‘no,’ screamed at me in rage. “And what are you gonna say? Mean old man stole my house? How can you even prove it’s your house? It’s on my property, and possession is nine-tenths of something something. Now get out! I’ve had enough. I’m going inside. Frank got up and marched to the front door of his, or mine I should say, house. He went inside and gave me the middle finger. Then he screamed once more, and when I didn’t budge, he slammed the door as hard as he could.
Then there was almost silence.
Almost.
The house vibrated and creaked. Tiles slipped off the roof. I don’t know if bricks can shimmy, but it sure looked like a lot of brick shimmying going on. Then the house gave a loud groan, as if it had a bad stomachache. Then the whole thing toppled down. The house collapsed with Frank inside it. As angry as I was at Frank, he is still a person. I ran to see if he was okay and to help him.
“You and your stupid house made me twist my spleen, but I’m fine. I ain’t some little weakling like you, ya dumb [CENSORED]”
That’s when Tina from the house reassembly kits walked up.
“Wow!” she said, with wide, beautiful eyes.
“Right? Can you believe it fell down like that?” I asked her.
“Yes. Yes, I can,” she said proudly. When she saw the confused look on my face, she added, “I’m surprised the house stayed up as long as it did after…”
I cocked my head, clearly confused. “After?”
“After we gave that old house thief his due. Karma sucks, huh Frank?” she called into the rubble.
My head shook. “I still don’t follow.”
“That’s right. I forgot who I am talking to.” She rolled her eyes, and I thanked her for the compliment.
“We sell house reassembly kits, as you know. But only so someone with the know-how and resources to get the other materials can build their own home at a cost they can afford. When I saw what Frank was doing to you, I got angry and told the company owner. The entire team thought it was wrong to take advantage of a neighbor like that, so we decided to teach Frank a lesson. We replaced the steel nails with 3D printed cheap plastic, just only strong enough to withstand a hammer. The roofing paper was (ironically named) construction paper, and the cement mix was expired industrial grade waffle mix that even nursing homes wouldn’t buy.”
“But he got hurt.” I said.
“Yes. You’re right. In our defense, we didn’t think the house would even get reassembled, much less stand for a day or so. We never thought there would be someone inside it. I’m sorry about that. Sorry Frank!” Tina called out.
“You [CENSORED]” Frank yelled.
“Now I don’t even have a house.” I said.
“Sure you do! It just needs re-re-assembly. And I’m sure Frank is more than willing to give you your house parts back, isn’t that right, Frank?”
“[CENSORED]… fine.”
That didn’t help, though. I told Tina, “I can’t afford the reassembly kit, and even if I could, I don’t know the first thing about re-re-assembling a house. I can barely use a hammer.”
“Oh, Frank is buying you a REAL kit.” Tina smiled.
“The [CENSORED] I am you [CENSORED]!”
“Let me rephrase that. If Frank doesn’t want to wind up in jail for theft, and in exchange for you not calling the sheriff. He is returning all the house parts and buying you a house reassembly kit, right Frank?”
Despite the muffled sobs and swears, Frank finally agreed.
“And as far as putting it back together, it goes quicker than you think. And I’m great at it.” Tina moved closer and rubbed her shoulder against mine. “I could show you how, if you like?” She smiled and her dimples showed again. I knew I was helpless. Here was a girl I can never say no to.
And that’s how my wife Tina and I built a house, and a life, together.