Discount Storytime

DISCOUNT IDEAS

"If I someday have one legacy to my name I hope it's 'nursing home goth.'"-Discount Storytime
"I wasn’t afraid of the raccoons. It’s a well known fact that raccoons won’t attack if they sense urine on your pants." -Discount Storytime
"They say 'live – laugh – love.' But I say 'live – laugh at Stan’s new haircut.'" -Discount Storytime
"Tina and I couldn’t agree on the best color for the nursery. Color preference is subjective, like poetry, or calculus." -Discount Storytime
"When I saw the perfectly clean bathroom sink this morning, I called my wife, Tina, to see. But she glared at me and said “don’t say it was the ‘sink fairy’. There is no ‘sink fairy.’ I cleaned the sink last night after you said you would, but didn’t. Just like you said you would mow the lawn this morning, but you slept in. So I had to do it.“ She then stormed off. Gosh, I hope the lawn fairy didn’t hear that." -Discount Storytime
"We had the best time at Grandpa Pop's 100th birthday. Everyone was there, and he sat quietly while we told stories, shared memories, and ate cake and ice cream. But before we knew it, the party was coming to an end, so we picked up our shovels to put him back in the ground." -Discount Storytime
"I just read an article about “how to lose a flabby body.” It was no help at all. All it talked about was diet and exercise. How is that going to help me lose a flabby body with the cops on the way?" -Discount Storytime
"How can termites eat up a house in seconds in cartoons, but when I put termites in my neighbor’s house it took months?" -Discount Storytime
"You are absolutely capable of following your dreams. Unless you are Stan and dreaming of borrowing my Xbox, because I already said no. Give it up, Stan." -Discount Storytime

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17