Everyone thought my cousin Peggy had made a poor choice of college major, but nobody was harder on her than her parents, Uncle Chip and Aunt Claire. “How is she going to make a living doing that?” Peggy studied goose lexicology and became fluent in goose honk. I didn’t like how Uncle Chip and Aunt Claire treated Peggy about it, always bringing it up at family events, telling everyone how their daughter would always be poor, and walking through their neighborhood wearing ‘goose lexicology is stupid’ sandwich boards.
At the front of the traffic jam was a horse-drawn stagecoach with its blinkers on. Standing just outside the stagecoach was a man and woman dressed in fine medieval clothing. The man wore a royal court doublet and shoulder cape and looked quite royal indeed. The woman wore a beautiful blue royal velvet gown. They carried an undeniable air of nobility. But terror froze their faces. For before them stood two… geese?
One day Peggy, Uncle Chip, and Aunt Claire were driving home from church. Aunt Claire just gave a guest sermon titled “Would a True Christian Study Goose Lexicology? Probably not.” Uncle Chip was busy needling Peggy with “well, how are you going to afford the gas to get all the way home? Is your useless degree going to pay for it?”
They pulled up to a long traffic line and waited, but after about 30 minutes, they hadn’t budged. There hadn’t been any emergency vehicles or police officers, either. Peggy got out to see what was going on, plus, she needed a break from her parent’s constant badgering. She left her car and started walking up to the front of the line of cars. Behind her, Uncle Chip and Aunt Claire climbed on the car and chanted “goose lexicology is stupid” into bullhorns. Peggy tightened her fists and added some stomp to her walk.
But not just any geese. These geese, wearing their trademark little masks and cloaks, were dreaded highway robbers. They would have been cute, if not for their razor sharp swords, glinting in the noon sun, and pointing to the man and woman. And as the old saying goes, “a goose with a sharp sword is no joke.”
Humans and geese seemed to be at an impasse. The humans stood frozen in fear, often looking over their shoulders into the stagecoach, while the geese gave frustrated honks. Peggy thought maybe she could diffuse the situation, so she kept a safe distance and tried talking to the geese. “HONK!” honked Peggy. This threw the geese off to be addressed directly, and they lowered their little swords, but just for a moment. Then they honked “HONK!”, which translated to “these foolish humans do not understand robbery. Their treasure is ours. Make them hand it over, or you will suffer the same fate, wench.”
Peggy explained this to the people. Carefully, the man and the stagecoach driver brought down a treasure chest from the stagecoach and carried it to the robber geese. With a flick of his sword, the gander opened the chest. Inside were gleaming gold coins, jewelry, rare gems, a few one-dollar bills, and a twenty-spot. The royal woman spoke. “There. You have our money. Please let us go.” Again, she glanced back into the stagecoach, but only for a moment. Then the woman asked Peggy. “Can you really speak Goose?”
“Yes,” Peggy answered.
“Please ask them to let us go. Please.” Said the woman, almost in tears. Peggy honked and the geese honked back. This went on for a while and everyone patiently waited. Finally Peggy spoke. “The geese thank you for your kind donation. They explained to me that since they lost their goslings, they turned bad and have taken to a life of crime, mostly stealing from the corporate fat cats who run Renaissance Fairs, or ‘Big Ren’, as it’s called.”
“Why?” asked the man.
Peggy continued. “They had gone to the Nerbly County Renaissance Fair with their three goslings. The family was having a great time. Until a large crowd separated them. The parent geese looked everywhere and tried asking for help, but nobody could understand them, for there were no hired goose translators. Their goslings were gone. They blame Renaissance Fairs, and since they handn’t been able to get their children back, they vow to take down Big Ren.”
The man and woman looked at each other, then looked at the goose parents. The man asked, “Pray thee, ask these goose robbers what year that was? Was it, perchance, Fall of 2019?” Peggy and the geese honk back and forth for a while, then Peggy answered “Yes, fall of 2019 in Nerbly County.”
“Mon Dieu!” said the woman, which is Spanish for “You ain’t gonna believe this!” She poked her head in to the Carriage, and said “children, it’s okay. Can you come out, please?” And to everyone’s astonishment, three young geese, around school age, waddled out of the stagecoach. Two wore handsome little tunics, and one wore a frilly purple dress.
“Mama? Papa? What is happening?” asked the young geese.
“Honk-Honk!” Honked the robber geese, which is Spanish for “Mon Dieu!”
The woman spoke and Peggy translated. “You may have heard of us. This is my husband, Sir Cleatus Ravenstone III, and I am Lady Trish Ravenstone, the royal owners of the Nerbly County Renaissance Fair. I remember that fateful day in the fall of 2019. We found three lost goslings, and we looked everywhere for their parents. We must have just missed each other! At the same time, Sir Cleatus and I were trying to start a family, but nothing worked. When we saw these poor lost goslings, we just knew that fate had brought us a family. And since then we have raised them with all the love as if they are our own.”
The youngest goose asked “Who are HONK they, mama?”
“Sweetie. These are your… parents! Your birth parents!” Lady Trish said with tears in her eyes.
“Honk!” said the father goose. “Yes, we understand you. HONK” said the child geese.
Peggy’s jaw dropped. “Amazing! These goose children still have their natural language of Goose Honk, and their adoptive parents had taught them English. They are bilingual geese!”
The young geese were initially timid and kept looking back at their adoptive parents. But they were told it was okay and finally the children and goose parents ran to each other and hugged.
“We always thought this day may come when you find your biological parents. What happens now?” asked Lady Trish through tears.
HONK-HONK honked mother goose. She waddled up and took Lady Trish’s hand. Peggy translated. “Mother goose is saying that she cannot thank you enough for taking such good care of her babies. And, as heartbreaking as it will be for her to lose her children again, you can afford to provide them with a life she never could.” Mother goose honked sadly and turned away.
Lady Trish gave the mother goose a decisive look and pulled her back around. “No. You are not losing your babies again. I swear it. You and father goose are welcome to live with us at Ravenstone Castle, paid for by rising Renaissance Faire admission costs!” Mother goose and Lady Trish hugged.
As everyone hugged and cried tears of joy, Peggy helped them get settled in the stagecoach. Sir Cleatus gave Peggy his business card and told her to discuss her new job as a ‘goose translator’ for the Renaissance Faire. Stagecoach rolled down the road, now carrying an even larger, happier family.
Peggy turned back to see Uncle Chip and Aunt Claire standing in front of the line of cars. Aunt Claire spoke first. “Sweetie! You brought those families together. If you hadn’t been there to translate…” She gave Peggy a big hug. “I am so proud of you!”
While getting squeezed by her mother, Peggy saw Uncle Chip, stoic as always, looking at her.
Peggy’s face fell, and she braced for the worst. “Yes, dad?” But Uncle Chip walked up to her, gave her a big hug and said “Mon Dieu,” which is Spanish for “I am proud of you too.”