(You can listen to this story here.)
In front of Mega City Hall, an intrepid reporter spoke into the camera. “This is intrepid reporter Carole Courageous at Mega City Hall, where the superhero Goody League will hold an urgent press conference. Look, here they are now! “
A group of superheroes stood in front of a podium. Wonder Chap, the leader in a flowing cape, stepped up to the microphone. “Hello good citizens of Mega City. My colleagues and I are proud to announce that the League of Villainous Evildoers, or L-O-V-E, has been captured.”
The crowd cheered, and Wonder Chap continued. “We received a tip and were able to find and apprehend these villains in their secret underground lair. Not only that, but we stopped the dastardly Professor Perilous from executing one of her evil plans in progress! The world is safer today thanks to my colleagues at the Goody League and the brave tipster. And if I may take a personal moment. Miss Courageous, Miss Carole Courageous? Would you please come up here?”
Shocked, intrepid reporter Carole Courageous walked up to Wonder Chap. “Yes?”
Wonder Chap, his perfect facial features blushing, got down on one knee. “It was a crisp spring day when I saved you from that burning submarine. And as we flew away over the ocean, I remember a moment when we caught each other’s eyes. Do you remember?”
She blushed. ”Oh, Wonder Chap. I do remember. Feeling that connection. After that, I even wrote a ‘missed connections’ ad about it. ”
Wonder Chap pulled a piece of yellowed newspaper out of his pocket. “I know. I’ve kept it. Take a look.” The entire crowd said, “awww.”
Carole Courageous took the folded piece of newspaper in trembling hands, unfolded it, and found a beautiful sparkling engagement ring! Wonder Chap asked, “ Carole, courageous, will you marry me?”
She beams. Yes! Yes, Wonder Chap! I will marry you!”
The crowd erupted in cheers and applause.
The happy couple hugged and kissed, then Wonder Chap pulled out two paper tickets. “And perhaps we can honeymoon on a two-week cruise?”
Earlier that same day.
Deep in the underground lair of the League of Villainous Evildoers,LLC or L-O-V-E as it was commonly known- evil was at work. Mr. Nefarious, the criminal mastermind and leader of L-O-V-E, stepped into an elevator. To look at him, you would think he was a middle aged bank manager. He had a balding pate, thick eyebrows, and a trim mustache. His pinstripe suit shone in the elevator din. As he began pressing the down button to the science laboratory, several voices called out.
The other members of L-O-V-E’s management team ran down the hall. The notorious Aver Ice, who looked like a figure skater in a light blue dress, but could send out deadly freeze rays from her fingers.
The hallway shook as, next to Aver Ice, a large muscular figure with a blond crew cut and in a black turtleneck and black slacks bounded towards the elevator. This was the feared villain, Hard Boiled, who once snapped a man in half using only his toes!
They ran towards the closing elevator doors and yelled, “Wait!”
Mr. Nefarious grinned darkly. “Should have left sooner,” and pushed the down button.
Told ya. Evil was indeed at work.
A while later, in the underground lair’s science laboratory.
Professor Perilous, with curly greyed hair, thick glasses, and a crisply ironed lab coat, stood in front of Aver Ice. “No, Aver Ice. You can’t bring your Sanka in here. ! How many times do I have to say, “Laboratory safety is… “
Nobody replied, so Professor Perilous tried again.
“Laboratory safety is… “
The others finally chimed in. ”Laboratory safety is everyone’s responsibility.”
Still not satisfied, Professor Perilous turned to Mr. Nefarious. ”Mr. Nefarious, I simply cannot continue this laboratory tour if -“
Mr. Nefarious held up his hand in a peace gesture. ”Professor Perilous, I’m sure Aver Ice will be happy to leave her Sanka outside of the lab. As I said when we started these walking meetings, it’s important for us to get out of our silos. We had every meeting in our conference room and then went off in our different directions. But now we are taking turns having our meetings in each other’s workspaces, so we can learn about each other’s challenges and workflows.”
Aver Ice rolled her eyes. ”Fine, Professor Perilous, I’ll leave my Sanka outside.”
Professor Perilous pressed her palms together. ”Thank you. Lab safety is -“
Aver Ice snapped, “We get it!”
”Great. Now, let’s start our tour. As you can see over here, our previous Central Dissentractor, which had a maximum energy of only a few million hepta-jouls per Volume Matrix Unit has been updated with a Staralizer Panel Dissentractor, with a maximum flubernot capacity of -“
Mr. Nefarious broke in. ”Professor Perilous, perhaps, for clarity’s sake, you might use lay language for those of us without your science background?”
Professor Perilous placed a hand on her hip and smiled. “Yes, of course. This is a big machiney thing, you dimwits. Follow me,” and walked off.
The group walked through the cold and sterile laboratory. Bright fluorescent lights buzzed as they passed blinking gadgets and bubbling solutions.
Hard Boiled looked around as his face scrunched. Finally, he raised his hand. “Professor Perilous?”
”Yes?”
Hard Boiled scratched his head. “Where is the Bowflex?”
Professor Perilous sighed inwardly, already weary of the large oaf. “Where is what?”
“The Bowflex. My Bowflex is my temple. That’s how I stay…this” Hard Boiled flexed his arms and his tight turtleneck ripped.
Professor Perilous pushed up her glasses. “A weight machine? We don’t have those here. In this laboratory, the only muscles we flex are brains.” Hard Boiled scratched his chin, and his shirt ripped. “Brains are made of muscle?”
”Apparently yours is. Now, if we can carefully pass through this section. Carefully.” Professor Perilous turned to lead them through perhaps the most dangerous part of her laboratory, a narrow passageway brimming with delicate vials of hazardous solutions. She had been meaning to update this part, and put each of the dangerous vials in a safety container. But having to buy the replacement Staralizer Panel Dissentractor blew a hole in her laboratory’s budget. And money doesn’t grow on trees, at least not yet. But the solution in vial #72 may just fix that.
Professor Perilous spoke slowly and clearly to her colleagues. “I can’t stress this enough, do not touch any, ANY of these vials. Some are very hazardous and volatile, just the slightest -“
CRASH! A vial fell to the floor.
Professor Perilous turned to see all three colleagues pointing at each other. “It wasn’t me,” they shouted.
Professor Perilous sighed. ”I don’t… I mostly don’t care which one of you did it, what vial broke?”
They searched the floor, and Aver Ice picked up a large piece of broken glass with a label on it. “Found it. It was the number… Hard to read. Number eight. What was number eight?”
Professor Perilous sighed with relief. “It’s not deadly, so that’s good. But it spreads quickly through the air. “
Mr. Nefarious, now nervous, shook his head. “What was it? What was in it?”
As they all looked at the spilled liquid, it quickly evaporated into the air. “What is it?”
A moment later, Aver Ice blurted, “I’ve never had an orgasm!”
Professor Perilous said. “It is Truth Serum, but as an aerosol. It quickly spreads through the air and makes everyone who inhales it tell only the truth. Drop it into cabinet meetings, or high stakes negotiations, and sew chaos and ruin alliances. I’ve only been able to get the effect to last for fifteen minutes. I could work harder to concentrate it, but I usually blow off my afternoons to read romance novels and drink Sanka in the lab! Oh Shit.”
“I knew it!” Aver Ice pointed an accusing finger.
The professor shot back, ”You did not.”
”Well, I can’t lie, now can I?”
Mr. Nefarious held out his hands. “Okay. Okay. Listen, I have three things to say. One, fighting won’t get us anywhere. Two, we have fifteen minutes of truthfulness in a one-hour meeting, so let’s simply wait it out. And three. I’ve never found any of you even remotely attractive.”
Hard Boiled added, “Me neither. You all have really let yourselves go. Try a salad, for God’s sake. Or Bowflex.”
Aver Ice shot back. “Go date your Bowflex, if you haven’t already.”
”Maybe I will! But Bowflex isn’t who I love. I love…”
Everyone quieted down and Hard Boiled softly said ”I love Wonder Chap.”
After a long pause, everyone said, “Whaa” while Aver Ice scoffed.
Professor Perilous asked, “How long has that been going on?”
Hard Boiled wrapped his arms around himself. ”A while, I guess. It was a warm summer day, and I was robbing the Mega City bank. I had just pulled the door off the bank vault when Wonder Chap flew in. He grabbed me and pulled me out of the bank, and we started punching each other.”
”How romantic,” Aver Ice hissed.
“Shut up. There was a moment, just a moment, between punches, and we caught each other’s eyes. It may sound dumb, but I swear there was a connection. Something there. I even wrote a ‘missed connections’ ad about it. But he probably didn’t see it.”
“Pathetic,” snarled Aver Ice.
Mr. Nefarious held out his hands, trying to keep the peace. “It doesn’t matter anyway; Wonder Chap is dating that intrepid reporter – Carol Courageous.”
Hard Boiled and Aver Ice both shouted, “Nuh-uh!”
Hard Boiled said, “Wonder Chap loves me, I’m sure. I just haven’t broken through yet. That’s why I snitched on this organization.”
Mr. Nefarious’ bushy eyebrows raised. ”What?”
“I ratted you out. For love. I sent Wonder Chap an anonymous message from me telling him where our lair is and all the access codes. Now he will see me in a new light and want to go out with me.”
Aver Ice cackled. “Fool! You sent what kind of message?”
Hard Boiled shrugged. “An anonymous letter. So?”
”So how is he going to know it’s you?”
Hard Boiled slumped. ”Well, shit.”
Aver Ice patted him on the back and said, ”It doesn’t matter, because I am in love with Wonder Chap.”
”Wha???” said the group.
”When did that happen?” asked Mr. Nefarious.
Aver Ice’s cold eyes grew misty. ”It was a cold winter day and I was robbing the Mega City bank, and had just frozen the vault door to smash it to pieces. Wonder Chap started to come at me and I froze him, just briefly, with my freeze beam. It didn’t last long, but I could tell, as he looked at me, there was something. I swear there was a connection. something there. I even wrote a ‘missed connections’ ad about it. But he probably didn’t see it.”
Hard Boiled barked, ”Ha! Loser!”
Aver Ice hit his arm. “Shut up. That’s why I ratted you all out! I sent Wonder Chap a message telling him where our lair is and all our access codes.Now he will see ME in a new light, and ask ME out.”
Mr. Nefarious laughed. “You are both fools! I’ve loved him long before either of you came to work here.”
”Wha???” everyone said.
Mr. Nefarious took a seat, and his face grew dreamy. ”Years ago, when I was just starting out, I had him trapped in my torture dungeon. I was explaining my evil plan, as one does, and he didn’t seem all that interested, so I got right in his face. I was going to yell at him that he was about to die, but instead, as he looked at me, there was something. I swear there was a connection. something there. I even wrote a ‘missed connections’ ad about it. But he probably didn’t see it. That’s why I squealed on the organization. I sent Wonder Chap a message telling him where our lair is and all our access codes. ”
The others shouted. “”Moron! This is YOUR organization! You are destroying your own organization!”
Mr. Nefarious paused, thought about what to say, then spoke. ”Maybe life is about more than being a villainous evildoer. I’m tired. Tired of the plotting, the scheming, the budgets, the meetings. Do you know what I want, really, really want?”
They looked at him, and he continued. ”I want a vacation. And I have booked a two-week cruise vacation, tickets for two. Just Wonder Chap and me on a cruise ship on the high seas for two weeks. We can have drinks with little umbrellas. Bask in the sun. Maybe even read a few romance novels; I hear they are popular. “
Professor Perilous said, “I have some good ones to lend you.”
”Thanks. See? “ Mr. Nefarious held up two tickets. “Tickets are bought, probably don’t need airfare to the port as he can fly, so that saves some -“
Incredulous, Aver Ice asked, ”Has he even agreed to go with you?”
Mr. Nefarious scratched his neck. ”Well, I emailed him a link to the itinerary, but he hasn’t responded. YET.”
Aver Ice cocked her head. “Are you insane? You bought cruise tickets and don’t even – that makes no sense, like something stupid like eating frozen hot dogs!”
Mr. Nefarious glared back at Aver Ice, but was startled when Professor Perilous shouted out, “Eurika! Aver Ice, normally you are an incompetent buffoon, but today you are a genius!”
Aver Ice was stunned. I am?”
”Yes. What you just said was brilliant, totally by chance of course. Frozen Hot Dogs, or Frozen HD! Look!” Excited, she ushered the group to a corner of the lab. On a computer monitor was a sign that said, “fan fiction rough drafts.”
Mr. Nefarious shook his head. “You write fanfiction on a work computer? During work hours?”
”No. I use that sign to keep anyone from looking. Here is what I’ve really been doing. See this molecular structure?” She tore off the sign and pointed to the computer screen filled with globs nobody understood. “I couldn’t get it right. But now, if I lower the process temperature of the Hydrogen Decouplernator, or Freeze HD…”
Professor Perilous typed frantically on the keyboard, hit enter, and a moment later the screen filled with more globs nobody understood, but Professor Perilous was ecstatic. “It works! It really works! I mean, we will need to test it of course, but I’m sure it works!”
”Congratulations. Now what the hell are we looking at?” Snapped Hard Boiled.
”This! This is the cure for cancer! I just cured cancer!” Professor Perilous hopped up and down in excitement as everyone’s jaws dropped.
Aver Ice snorted. ”You’ve been working on curing cancer when you were supposed to be an evil scientist? What a loser!” Professor Perilous turned on her. ”Loser? Loser! Sure, I could have spent more time on my evil projects instead of curing cancer. But would any of you notice? Do any of my evil scientific breakthroughs get recognition? No! As soon as I come up with a new kill laser, or a new hamster poison, you take it and run off without so much as a “thank you.”
The others looked down at the floor.
The professor continued, “And does my brilliant scientific mind get me a seat at the table when business decisions are made? No! You send me back down here to my lab. This is the first, the very first, time any of you have even toured my laboratory.
An awkward pause followed, then Professor Perious spoke. “Guess who appreciates real scientific genius?”
The others groaned as Professor Perilous got a dreamy look in her eyes. “Wonder Chap. His scientists have input into major organizational decisions. Do you know what the scientists at the Goody League got for scientist appreciation day ? Fruit baskets, and not just a regular kind, but the fancy ones with all dipped in chocolate. Like Pineapple! What did I get for Scientist Appreciation day?
“There was a scientist appreciation day?” asked Mr. Nefarious.
“Exactly! See what I’m talking about? As soon as I show this cure for cancer to Wonder Chap, he will take me into his powerful arms, caress my cheeks and tell me he loves me too!”
”Oh, goddamnit!” Aver Ice yelled, but it was drowned out by a loud crash. The laboratory door flew off the hinges and Wonder Chap and the rest of the Goody League entered.
Mr. Nefarious glowered. “We all gave you the access codes; did you really have to ruin the door?”
“Stop now, fiends! I won’t allow your evildoing to progress any further!” Wonder Chap used his laser eyes to melt Professor Perilous’ computer.
The professor yelped. “Stop! That’s the cure for -“
Wonder Chap continued. ”I don’t want to hear it. Your sinister reign of power is over. And just to make sure you cannot complete whatever evil you were just working on. Quick! Mind Trap”
Mind Trap stepped forward. She wore a yellow super suit and wore what looked like an oversized bike helmet covered in flashing electrodes. Mind Trap yelled, “Amnesia ray” and sonic mind waves shot out of the bike helmet into the villains’ brains. The villains stood there, motionless.
After a moment, Wonder Chap asked, “Are they okay?”
Mind Trap nodded, ”Yes. They will come out of it in a minute, but won’t remember anything of the last fifteen minutes! So whatever evil they were working on at that computer is lost forever.”
”Good job Mind Trap. And… “ Wonder Chap grabbed the cruise tickets out of Mr. Nefarious’ hands. “Yoink! None of you saw that.” The other heroes rolled their eyes and said, “Yes, boss.”
Later that same day.
In front of Mega City Hall, an intrepid reporter spoke into the camera. “This is intrepid reporter Carole Courageous at Mega City Hall, where the superhero Goody League will hold an urgent press conference. Look, here they are now! “
A group of superheroes stood before a podium. Wonder Chap, the leader in a flowing cape, stepped up to the microphone. “Hello good citizens of Mega City. My colleagues and I are proud to announce that the League of Villainous Evildoers, or L-O-V-E, has been captured.”
The crowd cheered, and Wonder Chap continued. “We received a tip and were able to find and apprehend these villains in their secret underground lair. Not only that, but we stopped the dastardly Professor Perilous from executing one of her evil plans in progress! The world is safer today thanks to my colleagues at the Goody League and the brave tipster. And if I may take a personal moment. Miss Courageous, Miss Carole Courageous? Would you please come up here?”
Shocked, intrepid reporter Carole Courageous walked up to Wonder Chap. “Yes?”
Wonder Chap, his perfect facial features blushing, got down on one knee. “It was a crisp spring day when I saved you from that burning submarine. And as we flew away over the ocean, I remember a moment when we caught each other’s eyes. Do you remember?”
She blushed. ”Oh, Wonder Chap. I do remember. Feeling that connection. After that, I even wrote a ‘missed connections’ ad about it. ”
Wonder Chap pulled a piece of yellowed newspaper out of his pocket. “I know. I’ve kept it. Take a look.” The entire crowd said, “awww.”
Carole Courageous took the folded piece of newspaper in trembling hands, unfolded it, and found a beautiful sparkling engagement ring! Wonder Chap asked, “ Carole, courageous, will you marry me?”
She beams. Yes! Yes, Wonder Chap! I will marry you!”
The crowd erupted in cheers and applause.
The happy couple hugged and kissed, then Wonder Chap pulled out two paper tickets. “And perhaps we can honeymoon on a two-week cruise?”