Welcome, dear reader. Before I tell you the story, I just want to brag for a minute. Yours truly won second place at the karaoke competition at Tipsy’s Cantina. It was for my heart warming rendition of CW McCall’s 1975 ballad “Convoy.” I practiced in front of a mirror and everything, so obviously it was a stunning performance. But then my so-called best-friend, Stan, went on the stage in his stupid bedazzled tuxedo and won first place. As I repeatedly told the judges, Stan sang in the high school choir, so he probably wasn’t even eligible. But, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, I will put that aside and congratulate myself for almost winning first place.
Now, on to our story. Enjoy!
A long time ago, in a magical kingdom called Tipsania, a hawk flew around. This sight was pretty typical for the people of Tipsania, and they had stopped really noting hawks flying around. But this wasn’t an ordinary hawk. Oh no, this was a Magic Hawk of Prophesying. One could tell if they watched it closely. It flew lower to the ground than other hawks, its plumage was more muted, and it carried a bull-horn.
“The orphan shall be king!” It squawked while somehow flying at the same time. “The orphan shall be king!”
Nobody paid attention.
“The orphan shall be king! Hey Guys! I’m talking! Talking magic flying hawk over here,” said the irritated hawk.
The people then looked up and asked the Magic Hawk of prophesying, “Which Orphan? We have lots of Orphans! Our land suffers from pestilence, wars, and Arby’s. ”
“The one, the one will be your new king!” The hawk said, getting more irritated. “What, you want me to hold your hand?”
“What is the orphan’s name?” asked the people.
The Magic Hawk of prophesying slapped its hawk forehead with its hawk wing, which is pretty impressive seeing it was already flying and holding a bullhorn. “Oh, yeah, buried the lede there, huh? The orphan destined to be king is named – “and the magic hawk was brought down by an arrow to the neck.
A moment later, two idiots come out of the woods yelling, “we did it! We saved you from the dragon!”
“What?” asked the stunned crowd
“The Dragon! The horrible beast! Everyone knows only dragons can talk and fly and carry bullhorns. “
“So… this thing – that was about to tell us the name of our new king, is a dragon disguised as a hawk?” asked an incensed crowd.
“Yup!” said the idiots proudly.
“You idiots! Look! It’s still a hawk. Wouldn’t it have turned back into a dragon, or have scales or something?” The crowd went to “Angry Mob Emporium,” loaded up on torches and pitchforks, and chased the two idiots out of the kingdom.
Now the people had to figure out which orphan would become their new king. Well, this is olden times, so they could solve this like they solved everything childhood related. They could put all the orphans in a large cage with one dagger and see who was left standing. The people of Tipsania thought this was a good idea. However, they had lent their dagger and cage to the next kingdom over for a “who gets vitamins” competition.
Then Leigh, the wise elder, spoke up. Everyone listened to Leigh because she was the oldest and wisest, and kind of intimidating like that. Elder Leigh said, “We should have them do, like a talent show, or something, maybe karaoke? Yes. Karaoke it shall be. The most talented one is our new king.” The people of Tipsania agreed, as they already had a karaoke machine. The orphans were told they would be in a talent show, and to do their very best, for the winner will be the next king.
CaLoffe, the most talented of the orphans, just knew he could win if he tried hard enough, and practiced in front of a mirror. While Stam, who had no talent and a dumb haircut, worried about performing in front of so many people. Especially with his terrible breath.
On the day of the talent show, all the orphans tried their best and there were some good performances. CaLoffe and then Stam were the final two. CaLoffe got up on the stage, and, just as he had been practicing the days before in front of a mirror, belted out a heart warming rendition of CW McCall’s 1975 ballad “Convoy.” When he was done, the crowd went wild. The sight moved men and women to tears, and CaLoffe received a 15-minute standing ovation. That’s how good it was. They wanted CaLoffe to sing it again, but unfortunately, it was Stam’s turn.
Stam walked up on the stage wearing a stupid, sparkly tuxedo. And instead of following the rules and singing karaoke like everyone else, he decided to recite his dumb poetry of silly words. Stam had always had silly words in his head, and he went up to ye olde microphone, cleared his throat, and announced he would recite a poem made for this special day. There is a smattering of polite applause, which was more than Stam deserved.
Stam began reciting his poem of “silly words.” While reciting his “poetry,” his eyes rolled back and glowed red. The crowd, who just minutes ago was enjoying the best karaoke rendition of “convoy” ever, fell into a hypnotic trance. Oh yeah, and Stam’s poetry didn’t even rhyme. Then spiky horns popped out from Stam’s dumb haircut, and everyone said “Hail to our new dark overlord, who we declare won the karaoke competition by dark means, and not by natural talent like CaLoffe.”
Stam cackled evilly, and the microphone turned into a scepter with a skull on it, and not even a cool skull. It looked like one of those cheap plastic skulls you find in the discount bin after Halloween. Dark clouds then covered the sun, and the air grew thick with desperation and Stan’s stinky breath.
And that’s how Stam ruled Tipsania as a Dark Underworld King. And the people, although in a trance, knew in their hearts they should have awarded CaLoffe first place in the Karaoke competition.